09: Sister Moms: From foster care to chosen family

When Lindsay lost custody of her toddler, Gabriel, an acquaintance named Rachel stepped in as his foster mom. As Lindsay worked toward reunification with her son, she and Rachel developed an unlikely friendship. The journey they’ve shared has led them to create a new family unit with Gabriel at the center.

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Episode transcript is below. Transcripts may not appear in their final form.
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Julia: On January 19, 2019, Rachel was hanging out at home. She'd just moved in with her boyfriend and his son. The whole situation, living with a partner, having a kid in her house, was new. And then she got a life changing phone call. 

Rachel: I got a call from my boyfriend and he said that his friend was in some trouble. And his friend was asking if we could take Gabriel for some time while they figured everything out. 

Julia: Gabriel was the friend's two year old son. Rachel had only met Gabriel once, when she and her boyfriend hung out with Gabriel’s parents on New Year's Day. But she wasn't totally surprised to hear they needed help. 

Rachel: And I was like, if that's something that you think we need to do, then let's do it. They both were dealing with substance abuse disorder and, it had come down that he didn't have a clean drug test. 

Lindsay: It was really frustrating because I had been in recovery. Like I hadn't used in over a year, but I still wasn't technically eligible to be parenting my son alone. 

Julia: This is Lindsay, Gabriel's mother. 

Lindsay: And I had told my significant other constantly like you've got to stop using like you have to stop using and he had assured me he did and then They did, you know a hair test on him and it came back all kinds of positive. 

Julia: When Lindsay's husband’s drug test came back positive, things moved quickly. The Department of Human Services, or DHS, got involved immediately. D-H-S is what it's called where Lindsay and Rachel live in Iowa. In other places this agency is called Child Protective Services. 

Because Lindsay struggled with addiction herself, and had previous interactions with DHS, she and her husband immediately lost custody of Gabriel. 

Lindsay: It was the worst day of my life. He was already at daycare when we got the call and they said you can't pick up your son and that was so traumatic. I didn't get to tell my son, like, Mommy's not going to pick you up today. Sorry, I get really emotional talking about that. Um, so I didn't get to say goodbye and the thing that I remember the most is having to watch them take apart his crib and take over to Rachel's. You just have to try to cope, and like, as a mother, like, it's literally like your heart is being taken from you. 

Julia: DHS picked Gabriel up from daycare and took him to Rachel and her boyfriend’s house. Rachel had no experience parenting. She is not a mother and she's never cared for a toddler. She had just moved in with her boyfriend and his son. So when DHS showed up with a toddler for her to suddenly take care of, it was pretty overwhelming.

Rachel: they came over with a packet of like, here's all the resources you need. it was a one page piece of paper front and back and really the highest level of logistics.

Julia: Rachel had no training about how to parent, and no guidance about how to parent Gabriel. She had no idea what his routines were. What his favorite toy was or what foods he loved and hated. Rachel was dropped in the deep end, with no idea what to expect. And Lindsay was heartbroken and longing for her child.

These two women barely knew each other that day. But this little boy, Gabriel, would bring them together in a way that would change both of their lives forever. 

Julia: When DHS took Gabriel from Lindsay, she was devastated. Remember, she was sober at the time. Her husband’s positive drug test is what caused all of this. So in the first days after he was taken, she was an emotional wreck. 

Lindsay: the night before, he was in a onesie and I slept with that onesie every single night because it, like, faintly smelled of him. And, like, I would just sit in his room and cry. I just felt incomplete. 

Julia: In that first week, Rachel set up a laptop in Gabriel's room so Lindsay could see him and talk to him on Zoom. 

Lindsay: They immediately set up my son in his crib, um, in front of a camera so I could sit and, like, read him books and just talk to him, which, at that moment, was, like, the only thing that kept me from running out that door and using again.

Julia: But she didn't turn back to drugs. She was laser focused on proving to the courts that she was responsible enough to regain custody of Gabriel. The legal term for this is
“reunification.” And the courts laid out the terms and conditions for Lindsay to regain custody of her son: she needed to complete a treatment program for substance abuse, go to therapy, take weekly drug tests and attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

So where did Lindsay’s struggle with addiction begin? What exactly did she have to overcome to bring Gabriel home? 

Like many people who deal with substance abuse, there was a lot of trauma and grief living inside of Lindsay. She grew up in a tight-knit, religious family that was supportive and loving. But the stability of her childhood fell apart when she was 17, when her dad died unexpectedly.

Lindsay: it just changed everything. The whole dynamic, like he was my person. Um, he was the one I talked to about everything. He was the one who I just felt was my protector in life and Um, everything just fell apart from there. It's such a traumatic loss to somebody who who'd grown up with really the ideal childhood.

I got into a really toxic relationship, and, um, I was introduced to some really toxic things, substances, and it just took my, my life in a totally different course.

Julia: Lindsay became a functioning addict. She went to college. She started working. But then her mom was diagnosed with cancer, and after eight years of being sick, her mom died, too. 

Lindsay: And after that I just really went off the deep end. there was no do not step, do not pass go, do not collect 200. I just, I could not cope. And I think a lot of people that haven't lost a parent may not understand like that absolute sever from like that biological person that's supposed to love you, you know, and just the feeling of emptiness and like having no meaning in life anymore.

Um, and it was a really terrible time. I had come to rely so heavily on substances. I didn't know how to function. To get up in the morning, I would have to use, to go to bed, I would have to use. It was just a constant dependency on needing it to survive. I wasn't really able to function, really severe depression, um, just toxic relationship after toxic relationship. 

Julia: One of those toxic relationships was with her ex-husband, Gabriel's father. Getting pregnant with Gabriel wasn't planned. 

Lindsay: I didn't know if I should have him for a very long time. I kept going back and forth whether this was something that I could do. But it's just something, you know, told me, like, I just, I, I wanted to do it. And so, then I tried to get myself better on my own, which, looking back, was very naive, and it's, it's hard to, You can't do it on your own. Like, I had no support system. I didn't have anybody in my life who wasn't using. The whole thing was terrifying. And so that, that love and that glow that a lot of pregnant women talk about, I just never had. I was just survival mode the entire time.

Julia: The day Lindsay gave birth, the fog and stress of her addiction finally started to clear. 

Lindsay: There's just this something that happens when you have a child, right? The moment that they laid him on my chest, everything changed. I felt like my heart was going to explode. That was the connection that I had been wanting and feeling. It just, I knew from that point on, like, I would do anything to be with him. And to make sure that he was okay. 

Julia: Lindsay had tried to get sober on her own when she’d found out she was pregnant. But without a support system, she wasn't always successful. So because she was still using drugs throughout her pregnancy, Gabriel had drugs in his system when he was born.

Lindsay: My son tested positive at birth and was taken by DHS. And I was still in a toxic marriage, and he used substances as well. Well, then, after Gabriel was born, I just, I went cold turkey. And what your body goes through, I can't even describe the horror. It was really hard, but I had this great motivation. And thankfully with DHS involved, as much as everyone hates DHS, t hey provided me a lot of services. So I was able to go to substance use counseling. I started therapy, which, honestly, the therapy is what changed my life. I started dealing with all the trauma that I'd never dealt with before.

Trying to get off the substances was one thing, but then trying to learn how to live after that. Part of it is you use up so much of the dopamine in your brain. It's all , chemically made at that point because I'd been using for so long. So I just, I, I felt no happiness, even being a mom. You know, and that was probably the biggest struggle I literally thought that I was never going to smile again. And trying to parent newborn during that time is really hard. I didn't know how to pay bills. I didn't know how to, budget or and how to have a normal relationship that wasn't codependent. And so my life, I, honestly, I don't really remember a lot in those years.

Julia: For two years, Lindsay clawed her way through recovery while taking care of a newborn. And it all came to a crashing halt the day her ex-husband tested positive for drugs, when DHS took Gabriel to Rachel's. 

Lindsay immediately left her husband, and made it her mission to get Gabriel back. She wanted to show the courts that she could be the sober, responsible parent Gabriel needed. 

Lindsay: I joined a program called Recovery Court, which is like an intensified program for reunification. So I was going to like three NA meetings a week. I was doing two therapies a week. EMDR and dealing with my trauma. You do, like, two hour court sessions, and then a night session. I started taking parenting classes. I got back into my career in hotels. I had left it for a long time because it was in the way of my using. I did a lot of work on myself. Honestly I wanted to get him back, but in the end it ended up just helping heal me.

Julia: Was all that work enough to bring Gabriel home? Let’s find out after a short break.

Julia: For six months, Rachel and her boyfriend were the legal guardians of two year old Gabriel. Legally, they were called "suitable others".

Rachel: Most people understand the concept of a foster parent, but the concept of a suitable other, which is typically like a sister or a grandparent or, Somebody that is closer. But because I didn't know Lindsey as well, it felt like a true foster experience without the training, which was kind of a problem.

Julia: People who sign up to be foster parents have to take classes and complete training courses. They're a little more prepared when a child is brought to their home. But Rachel and her boyfriend didn't see this coming. Again, she'd only hung out with Lindsay once. 

Rachel: I had my, my first impression of her. She, she was nice. She was lovely. And then the, when the DHS worker came over and explained the situation that Gabriel was in, it was like, Oh. And I wear rose colored glasses. And so it sort of hit me hard. Like, Oh, wow. she had been using for a really long time.  

Julia: So..why did Lindsay choose Rachel and not someone she knew better? 

Lindsay: I tried to see if my sisters could take him, but because they were out of state, they wouldn't allow that. so I didn't really have any options. So, I knew about her, but I didn't know her. And honestly, looking back, It's a crazy decision that anybody, one, would take our child, but two, that, like, we'd, we decided that. But I just didn't want my son to go to some home that could be even more traumatic for him, and at least I knew they had a clean house, and they had another child, so I knew generally who they were.

Julia: The dynamic among the adults in this situation was...heavy. But for Rachel, having Gabriel around was light and joyous. 

Rachel: I love kids. I kind of joke I'm the toddler whisperer so I was excited and I knew that, we would be able to give Gabriel the amount of love that he needed. Gabriel loved, loved, loved dolphins and sharks and anything that was, aquatic. My parents and I, and my ex and his son, went to the Omaha Zoo because we wanted to see him see the aquarium. And it, it was so, it was so fun.

The time that I loved with Gabriel the most is when we would do bath time. In that time, I'm like, Oh, you know, you're a little, a little fish and, and then we could name off the kinds of fish or the type of fish. He's just a, a funny boy, but he was so smart. 

Julia: Rachel was a natural at taking care of Gabriel. And she started to love this little boy with her whole heart. 

Rachel: I attached quickly, very quickly. And, um, here come the tears. And I, I was ready. I was like, if this doesn't work with Lindsay and her husband, if they, if they aren't able to reunite, like I'm, I'm ready to adopt him, whatever we got to do. And I met with a woman for coffee and she had been a foster mom previously. And she was like, unfortunately, the goal, the goal of fostering it is not to keep the child, which is sometimes a common misconception. The courts and everybody is going to be rooting for reunification with mom and dad. And she was the first person to, to really kind of lay it on me like this might not end up the way that you're thinking it's going to end up.

Julia: During that time, Lindsay could visit a few days a week, and Rachel included her in some of the day to day appointments for Gabriel. 

Lindsay: Rachel was great because she would invite me to go to the doctor's appointments for Gabriel. But one, having to relive every doctor's appointment that I used during pregnancy is really hard. Having to tell every doctor what could be possible complications, it's just, it's really hard. Um, but then when they ask the questions about what he does now, um, like behaviors, does he eat normally, does he eat vegetables, you know, I couldn't answer any of those and that was really hard. 

I remember one particular appointment, Gabriel just wanted Rachel, you know, and that's really hard. He would just reach for her and I would try to hold him and he would try to crawl to her and um, she was so good because she would try to like hand him off to me and, because I'm sure that was really uncomfortable for her too, but, that was really hard and just having to like accept it is a really huge humbling process. 

Julia: While Lindsay was focused on getting herself healthy, Rachel was focused on Gabriel. All of this trauma caused the two year old to start acting out, and she was trying to help him through it. 

Rachel: I could understand what he was going through. I knew, um, you know, where he struggled and when he got angry, I could, I could see that and respond to it. Obviously there, you know, we've got a discipline is discipline. You can't grew up biting people, but, but just having that, that understanding of he was, he was going through it and he couldn't talk about it. 

Julia: While Gabriel was in Rachel’s care, Lindsay would come over for weekly supervised visits. This was when Rachel and Lindsay slowly started to get to know each other. 

Lindsay: And she would just ask me small questions like, what is an NA meeting like? Like, what does this feel like? And can you tell me a little bit about addiction and what that is? And, you know, how I can help? And it just made me look at her like, wow, like what an amazing human being. You know, I had been in addiction for so long that you don't meet people that are like that, you know, you don't meet people that are just selfless and loving and caring.

And I just remember thinking, you know, if my son isn't gonna be with me, this is somebody I would want to take care of him. And, you know, as a mother, that's really terrible to ever think, but, You know, there were moments when I thought maybe he would be better off with her, because she's just this amazing human being.

Rachel: I also didn't have anybody in my life that had been dealing with substance abuse disorder in a way that was transparent to me. And so Lindsey taught me so much about what that meant. I did a good amount of research too. Um, but even to this, to this day, I, I learned so much from her about what it is like to live with substance abuse disorder.

Julia: They were starting to develop a friendship during these visits, and it kind of surprised both of them. 

Lindsay:   And you know, it's really intimidating when you meet someone like Rachel, who is just, Beautiful inside and out. I have so much shame and guilt and self doubt and it was really intimidating, but she would just ask questions and we'd joke around and we talked a lot about theater and things that we liked.

Julia: It would be very easy to villainize Rachel. But the more time they spent together, the more Lindsay loved her. And one of the reasons was because she was so good for Gabriel. 

Lindsay: She cuddled him and loved on him and he, he felt safe with her and I could tell that and it made it okay for me to recover. Because as a mom, you just can't focus until you know your child's safe and like the more I started trusting Rachel with my son, the more I was able to let go a little bit and work on myself. It's hard to explain, but when you see them together, the hugs he gives her are not the hugs he gives to anybody else. And like, there's this pull, this magnetic pull between them. 

Julia: That magnetic pull between Rachel and Gabriel was getting stronger every day that he lived with her. But Rachel knew it probably wouldn't last forever. Lindsay was working her programs and staying sober. And after six months, the courts decided that reunification was on the table.

Rachel: The new DHS worker said, We're going to start doing Two or three nights a week overnights with mom. And so we did that for a few weeks and it went fine. Obviously any time that Gabriel was with mom, that it had to be supervised. and I was, bummed out that overnights were happening. It just started that like, okay, I'm going to have to separate.

I'll never forget the morning he had come back from an overnight with mom and I opened the door early in the morning and I was like, Good morning, Gabriel. And he had a big smile on his face. And then he saw that it was me and it wasn't mom. And he broke down crying. And I thought, Oh my God. Reunification it's what has to happen. And, so how are we going to do it in a way that was going to ensure Lindsay was successful and Gabriel was successful too.

Julia: After a few weeks of supervised visits and overnights with Lindsays, DHS said they could go to court to start the legal reunification process. 

Lindsay: So it was the day after my birthday, actually, and I was telling everybody, like, this is my birthday present.

Julia: And that day in court, the judge declared that Gabriel could officially come home. The first thing Lindsay wanted to do was pick him up from daycare, something she hadn’t been allowed to do when she’d lost custody. 

Lindsay: You're not allowed to drive your child, you're not allowed to be alone with your child, um, and that's super traumatic in itself, being told that, like, you're not safe enough to, like, be in the same room with your child alone. And so walking into that daycare, like, was, The most amazing moment because his, like, face lit up when I picked him up. And I just, I was so happy. , there's no words to describe, like, that feeling of just, like, seeing your kid when you pick them up. And even now, like, I will always be happy to have him run and jump on me. You know, because he, to me, that's something that I treasure, because I, I took it for granted.

Julia: While Lindsay was picking up Gabriel from school, Rachel had to pack up his things. 

Rachel: We coordinated getting his clothes to her and, toys and books and those things. I remember in the courtroom it was really challenging for me, knowing that one of us was going to walk away upset was hard. It's also easy to be like, well, who did what wrong? And are you sure this is the right decision? And can you believe that, you know, they, they eat fast food three nights a week, or, you know, all of those kinds of things. It's like, what is this, what is the life that Gabriel is going to have? 

Julia: As Lindsay prepared for Gabriel to come home, she knew the situation would look totally different than before. She wasn’t with her husband anymore, so she’d be a single mom. She had more responsibilities that all fell on her, and the transition was tough.  

Lindsay: I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. DHS had previously been paying daycare and they're like, Oh, well, you know, today's the day we're cutting off daycare now too. So I immediately had to try to find financial, you know, assistance for daycare and, it was just a lot of you know, the small things trying to work out. And I would wake up super early because I was so scared. I thought that I had to get ready before he was up because I was so scared. Like, I didn't know how to be a mom, right? 

Rachel: In the beginning, it was a little, a little bit awkward with shifting. we had put together a Google doc of like, here's what Gabriel's routine is and the things that he likes and so on and so forth. And then as he was transitioning out of my home, it was, okay, here's what, here's what we're doing and how do we keep that consistent? One, so she, she has some success and to, to, um, keep it easier on, on Gabriel. Cause that's a, that's a huge transition. 

Julia: Gabriel was only two when he moved in with Rachel. So the six months he spent with her was a huge chunk of his life. He changed a lot, and Lindsay had to learn these changes on top of everything else. 

Lindsay: The whole messed up thing about this system is, you know, they take your kid and then you're supposed to work on yourself, right? You're supposed to get yourself better and so you can be better for your son. His dad had lost custody, so he was just coming back to me. So I'm going to a single mom, just trying to stay in recovery. And, uh, you know, I have a child with special needs and behavioral issues and, um, it was a struggle. And I just remember him crying in his crib for for Rachel. And, like, that It hurt so much that he was crying for her, but it hurt even more that he had to feel that loss yet again from somebody else.

And I, I ended up texting her and I was just like, Rachel, I am so sorry, but like, I don't know how to calm him down. Like, can you tell me some things that you do with him at night? You know, because I, I was new to this, you know, I, I hadn't done this with him. 

And you know, the day that they gave him back to me. You know, she came up to me and gave me a hug, and I will never ever forget the look on her face. She was so loving and happy for me, but the pain on her face was just like, I will never forget her face. Because she just looked like I felt when he was taken from me. And like, I don't know that anybody could understand, like, she was his mother. And like, the pain. Now she was losing him, and so I was so happy to get him back, but it's also that, like, how do we do this? 

Julia: Rachel was starting to ask herself the same question: she was in love with this little boy. She was starting to form a friendship with Lindsay. But spending time with the two of them was so painful, because it was a reminder that she was no longer Gabriel's caretaker. Around this time Rachel's relationship with her boyfriend started to fall apart, and now she was the one who was watching her world change. Now, it was Lindsay who started showing up for Rachel.

Rachel: It was such an emotional thing for me and she was so supportive and quite frankly, the one that could relate to me the most with all of it. Lindsay was always very kind and, considerate. I think she's one of the first people that taught me about boundaries and they were boundaries. Um, but she was so respectful of the feelings that I was having, especially as we were transitioning Gabriel back. And then after a while I was like, I've got to pull back from this. 

Julia: Rachel couldn't hang out with Lindsay and Gabriel while she grieved this loss, and Lindsay understood. She had gone through this same heartbreak and knew how painful it was. But she also realized she and Gabriel didn't want to lose Rachel forever.

Lindsay: And I had said, hey, I don't want you to think that you are not a part of his life at all. I told her like he loves you, and I don't want to take that away from you. So, if you want to be in his life,  I want to open that door for you. So if you are willing, we will work it out.

Rachel: I realized I want Gabriel in my life. And if, if it's not in a, in a mom role, like, how do I allow that to still happen? And Because Lindsay and I both love Gabriel, like what a bond. And my family loved Gabriel and it's like, how do we become her village so that he has the best life ever?

Julia: When we come back, we'll hear about the village they've created.

Julia: When Gabriel moved back with Lindsay, she had her hands full. She was a single mom. She was deep in the process of recovery and working a full time job. She was also trying to help Gabriel adjust. It was a lot to juggle. 

Lindsay: He was just, he's a lot, and he had a lot of behavioral issues, so he would throw things, screaming. But um, It's tough trying to go from one thing to the other. There were many times I just felt like I wanted to run away and, you know, relapse because it's hard and it's a selfish disease, right? And so when you feel like you're not doing the best, you just feel like maybe I shouldn't do it at all.

Rachel: I've never been a single mom. But I've been in a household with an eight year old and a two year old. And if I were going through recovery and trying to be a parent, a single parent, it's like you're treading water and then they're throwing a baby at you to tread water with.

Julia: When Rachel felt emotionally strong enough, she started helping out again. She would babysit Gabriel on Tuesday nights so Lindsay could go to NA meetings alone. She also recruited more help from two other people who loved Gabriel: her parents. Tim And Therese. 

During the six months Gabriel lived with Rachel, Tim and Therese spent a lot of time with him too. When he was reunified with Lindsay, they didn't quite know if that relationship would continue. 

Rachel: There was one week that I had gone to Mexico for my best friend's wedding and so they had babysat and like grandma mode kicked in and my mom and Lindsey had started a, friendship. As Gabriel was transitioning out of the home and back to Lindsey, she still had to do all of these meetings and all, all of these different things. And so between myself and my parents, we were watching Gabriel in the evenings.

Lindsay: I had never really met them until, um, after Gabriel was reunited with me. Rachel had actually facilitated and said, Hey, you know, my parents would be willing to, to help you out. Would you be comfortable with that? And I remember thinking, like, oh no, like, I don't do well with parents. I just had so much trauma. Also, what could they think of me? You know, I was the drugged out mom who lost her son, and now I got him back, and now I can't take care of him myself. You know, it's how the self talk went in my head. Um, and so it was a very slow building relationship with them. 

I'll never forget, there was a day that Therese had stopped me it was probably a year into them being in our lives very consistently every week. And, She had said, I hate to ask this, but would you, would you mind if he called us grandma and grandpa? 

And like my heart was so full because one of the biggest regrets that I have is I can't provide that for my son. You know, my parents are gone. His dad's parents are gone. I was so lost that like I didn't have parents that could help me through this. He loves them so fully. I mean, just loves them, and he doesn't know any different. They are grandma and grandpa. From there, it was just, they started cooking me, like, they make my lunches for work. And, you know, they take him every Sunday. They have just shown me so much love.

Rachel: I'm so proud of my parents because this is, it's a big thing to take on and they, they love Gabriel. And they care for Lindsay so much. And that was a little scary for me. It's one thing for me to be like, okay, if something goes wrong, that happens to me, fine. But , if my parents heartbreak over any of this, we're going to have a problem. And so it took me a little while to, to trust Lindsay with my parents hearts. but oh my God, like she, she is so wonderful to them and she's so grateful for them. 

Her parents passed away when she was younger. I can't imagine being an adult without being able to call my mom and my dad and say, something's gone wrong. I need your help. And she has that. And Gabriel has that. And I have that. And, it's really wonderful. It's been a really beautiful thing to see just family becoming more than, than what you were born into.

Julia: Gabriel is now seven years old. Lindsay describes him as a spitfire.

Lindsay: He loves to fish. He loves everything outdoors. He loves anything, um, to do with, uh, I would say reptiles, and you know, fish, amphibians, um, just a very he's super smart. Super, super smart. Which is, um, double edged sword a lot of times. Um, he's very, huge sense of humor. His favorite person in the world is his papa and, uh, that's Rachel's dad. 

Julia: Lindsay has been clean and sober for seven and a half years. She, Rachel, Gabriel and Rachel's parents have created a new family unit and family routines. Rachel and her parents are the default babysitters. Rachel's dad regularly takes Gabriel fishing. Tim and Therese have a standing date with Gabriel on Sundays, and often, Lindsay and Rachel join. 

Rachel: My parents have a wooded lot that they live on and there's frogs everywhere. We catch frogs and then when Gabriel leaves, the frogs go back to where they were caught before. It just feels normal.

Julia: Something that feels extraordinary, though, is the bond between Lindsay and Rachel. After they both ended their relationships with the men who introduced them, they started to lean more and more on each other.  

Rachel: Lindsay and I joke now, like we had to have some crappy significant others to, to find each other. But you know, here, here we are. She had also seen my relationship with my ex in a, in a way that was different than most people. And so as that dissolved, she's been really kind of a fantastic partner and angel and in just knowing what I need and, and really understanding what I've been through.

Lindsay: I always call her my sister. We may not talk for a few weeks, but like, when I have a bad day or when I want to vent about something, I'm gonna, she's the one I'm gonna do it to. It's a totally different relationship. Like, I can talk about Gabriel, we talk about a lot about what we've been through and how we want to change the world and, make sure things are different for other families.

I love her goofy soul. But we understand each other on a level that I don't think most people will ever get to, you know, because we have such a deep relationship and she's been such a huge supporter of my recovery. I mean, she's never made me feel bad about myself in any way. And now I know, like, our family is meant to be together. 

Julia: By many definitions, this is a foster care success story. Lindsay changed her life in a way that allowed her to get her child back. Rachel was a loving, safe person for her child to live with. But that's not how it always works out. And that's something Rachel and Lindsay have talked a lot about- how to make foster situations more empathetic to the people involved. They agree that the most opportunity for change lies in the way that birth and foster parents first meet: 

Lindsay: I would see her at court and, um, that's just not a way to introduce parents, right? We're gonna be co parenting my child, like, You need to have that trust. And so, honestly, Rachel opening that Zoom session was a huge lead in. So, I actually use that as a reference of like, hey, like, this is a great way to start an introduction. As soon as baby's taken, do a pre removal conference so they could meet prior to that and say, you know, I'm, I'm gonna be a safe space. 

The best thing for a child is to be with mom. But if a child can't be with mom to be with a safe support, that's not trying to take your child. They are trying to be there for your child in a time of need. Um, and so really there's so much work to be done around, like, fostering that relationship first. 

I think the biggest thing lacking in our world is empathy and understanding that, um, you know, I'm not just some drugged out person that could have stopped whenever. there's just such little understanding for the disease of addiction in general. Especially of what it does to our families and, and our kids. There's just a lot to be said about what that journey is like and the things that did work in the system, things that didn't work.

Julia: These days, Lindsay volunteers with a non-profit called Zero to Three, which aims to improve the child welfare system. She speaks to groups at the national level about her experience and how birth parents and foster parents can work together to support children.

Something Rachel is passionate about is how to be a supportive foster parent.

Rachel: I would hope any future foster parent would consider becoming that village for children. the success of the child is dependent on the parent and that parent's success is not going to happen without a network of good people that love them and love that child.

Julia: Meeting and loving Gabriel shaped how Rachel now thinks about what she wants from family in the future. 

Rachel: I want to foster in the future. And when I think about do I want kids and I want kids, but not necessarily in the traditional way. And I think that there is space for me to love kids and their, families. And that's the impact that I'll have on on the world, it can be really beautiful, and kids need it. And for parents who are going through it, for them to, to be able to focus on themselves and know that they've got a cheerleader and not, not somebody that's trying to, to take their child. Like that's, that's what it's, what it's about. How do we serve each other?

Lindsay: It takes a village to raise a child. I think that's such a lost, guiding compass for our communities. We're all so, siloed in life, and I think it's so important to remember that, like, we can't do this without each other. And what got me into substances was feeling alone. I think there's so many people that feel that way. There's just so much love and care in the world that I have seen and it's funny because prior to meeting You know Rachel and her family. I would not have had the same view of the world But now I really do because there are good and wonderful people out there.

I honestly was terrified of family. Um, I withdrew a lot from my family because it hurts so much to lose my parents. Um, and it cost me so dearly to lose them, it cost my soul for a very long time. When I was meeting Tim and Teresa, I kept them at arm's length for a very long time because I was so afraid to lose more people. And I didn't want my son to feel that, that loss. It's really scary, to be honest, to love somebody so much. I lay awake at night thinking about it because when you've gone through what I've gone through and you've seen what I've seen, it's really hard to not know about how that's going to feel when that relationship has to come to an end. But it would be a tragic loss not to be able to be loved.

Rachel: Love is going to come, from all of the non storybook, ways. I, I think that embracing the suck of heartbreak or potential heartbreak or, giving people the grace and the understanding that being human isn't easy.

The woman that I met with, that I had coffee with who told me that my job was to make a build was to build Gabriel's network. She also told me that people are their own best problem solvers. And that was the best advice that I could have ever received, particularly at the time in ongoing that, um, I don't have to solve people's problems.

Julia: When I interviewed Rachel and Lindsay, the thing that touched me the most was the mutual love and respect they had for each other. After each interview, my heart felt so full that I’d burst into tears. At first I thought it was because the pain of what they’d both experienced was so sad and intense, but then I realized it was because the love between them was so pure. How brave they were to let each other in! Looking at the whole story now, I can see that the relationship between these two women is the real love story in each of their lives. 

A theme that runs through all our stories of refamulating involves letting go of expectations around what a loving, happy family can look like and opening to new possibilities. In this, Rachel and Lindsay are role models for us all.

Lindsay: I had this idea of what my family should be when I had my son. I May not have been in a happy marriage and, You know, we were both using, but I thought that I had to stay because that's what, what was good for my son, right? He needs a mom and he needs a dad. And, you know, we have this, such a weird little family now. My son is so loved and that's really what's important is that this idea of what family is doesn't have to be mom, dad, baby. It can be, Mom and her sister mom and her parents. It's just wonderful to know that families can be made out of anything.