05: Are You My Llama: Creating a blended family after divorce

Lauren always knew she wanted a family. The way she imagined it, she’d meet a great guy, get married, and have babies. But when she finally met Dan in her late 30s, that’s not how it happened. Dan was a divorced dad with two small kids, so their family became a blended one. Lauren’s transition from Lauren to Mama (aka Llama), led her on a journey to grieve her single life, learn her new role as a bonus parent and grapple with her least favorite word: step-mother. Along the way she gained more love than she ever imagined was possible. 

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Episode transcript is below. Transcripts may not appear in their final form.

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Julia: In May 2019, Lauren hosted her last birthday party for herself at her San Francisco apartment. She was 36 at the time, and was about to leave the city to move three hours away, near Lake Tahoe. This party was a chance to say goodbye to her friends...the city...and also to the apartment. 

Lauren: That was my home. I made it my home. It had my artwork up in it. It had furniture I had gotten second hand and I just loved it so much. And while I was very excited to move into this new beautiful house, I really had to say goodbye to 90 Castro. 

Julia: Lauren moved in in her late 20s, when she first came to California. She lived in that apartment for 8 years, evolving and changing into the person who was now ready to move to Lake Tahoe. 

Lauren: I invited people over people that were meaningful, um, parts of that journey, and it was really beautiful to have the energy and to have the people and to say goodbye to 90 Castro, as that was the end of that chapter

Julia: Lauren's party was about more than this apartment. 

Her move was about more than a new city and a new house. 

Lauren's party marked the end of her single, child-free life.

The reason she was moving to Tahoe was to move in with Dan, the man she would eventually marry. And Lauren was SO excited about that! 

But... Dan was divorced with two small kids. So moving in with him meant she was stepping into a new role in someone else's family.

In the four years since Lauren said goodbye to her apartment and started her life with Dan, the two of them have done what forty percent of all married couples in America do: they created a blended family. 

These days, Lauren and Dan are married. They raise Dan's two kids half of the time. And they've had a child of their own. Their blended family is full of love, and naturally, there are also challenges. Some of their challenges are unique, and some come from the sheer fact of being a blended family - a new family unit that has formed in the wake of another family unit falling apart. So co parenting, raising children with different parents and stepping into the role of step-parent is nuanced.

I'm Julia Winston, and this is Refamulating, a podcast that explores different ways to make a family. Today, Lauren and Dan walk us through some of the nuances that come with a blended family. 

Which starts, of course, with their love story. 

Lauren grew up in North Carolina, where her family all lived in the same town. Most of the women she knew got married and had kids. So as she became an adult, she too imagined having a family of her own. But after a big heartbreak in her mid-20s, she took a break from dating. Instead, she traveled abroad to Ecuador, Columbia and Israel for most of her 20s and focused on short lived flings.

Lauren: I came back to the United States and my siblings had kids and a lot of the women I grew up with were married and having families and all of a sudden I think I felt behind. That I really wanted a family. I wanted a partner and family and dating became something else after that. Became another job.

Julia: Oy. I know that feeling of being single and feeling behind. I know it well. Anyone else know that feeling? (sigh) Anyway, dating started feeling like a job for Lauren because she was serious about meeting people. She told her friends to set her up. She used dating apps. Some weeks, she went on multiple first dates. And while some of these dates turned into relationships, none of them felt serious enough for marriage or kids.

Lauren: This was kind of in my early thirties and I would have boyfriends for about a year And then often it was mutual where we'd be like, this is it. This is great. You're great. But this isn't how I see my future. Even though I often knew, well, that's not the right person for me. There was still sadness for me becaus e I felt like this family oriented person without a family. I felt behind, like everyone was partnering, having families, and I was measuring myself against this really traditional measuring stick, which I had never previously done. And when I use that measuring stick, I was falling short. 

Julia: Those damn measuring sticks can really feel like they’re beating you into the ground, right? It's so hard to feel like you’re not measuring up, whether it’s about being single or some other fundamental part of your life. You can't force a husband and kids upon yourself...you have to be patient! (God! Patience! Oof! Such a tough one). So for much of Lauren's dating life, she was also working on accepting her life as it was. Her therapist at the time pointed this out... 

Lauren: And I remember she asked me, let's say you never meet a partner and never have kids. What are five things you need in your life to be happy? And I don't remember exactly what I said, but I probably mentioned a career I love, hobbies that excite me, a great community of friends, strong relationship with my family, exciting travel adventures, things like that. And I focused on those things.

I think people would say I was really good at like putting myself out there, letting people know they could set me up and sometimes going the extra mile to meet someone. But in the meantime, I did eventually have to let go of that measuring stick and say, you know what I'm doing pretty good. Like I don't need that traditional measuring stick where I'm gonna be falling short.  Let me use this alternative measuring stick and a sense that I could feel really good about myself And where I was at in life. 

Julia: While Lauren navigated this tension of...how did she phrase it? "being a family oriented person without a family"....Dan was 200 miles away navigating the opposite situation. He was married with kids. 

Dan: I guess I always grew up with, um, this very traditional ideology, as of get out of high school, go to college, find a partner, have kids, build a life together. Very, very kind of traditional. Um, image of that's just what you did.

Julia: Dan grew up with this traditional ideology about family, but his family wasn’t traditional. He grew up a child of divorce, and the situation was…complicated. 

His dad and stepmom had majority custody, and he saw his mom about once a month. There was a lot of tension amongst the adults, and Dan felt that as a kid.

But since he lived with his dad and stepmom most of the time, he subscribed to their traditional views of family. So when he was in his mid-20s and moved to the Lake Tahoe area, he met a girl, and got married.

Dan: I did fall in love for sure. Um, but I think I was also very stubborn at the time. And just, uh, determined to make a relationship work. I think our relationship was fine. I didn't really know or have a whole lot to compare it to. It was really my only long term relationship I had ever been in. Um, I didn't know that much about being a partner and what that looks like, and I was just learning in my, my early thirties what it means to be a father, a partner, uh, and kind of all those things. And fast forward, uh, I was together with my ex for, I think, twelve or thirteen years, and we were married for eight. Eight and a half years, and there was a lot of, uh, inter family stress and friction between her and my parents. Um, and that is not the only reason that we, uh, split up, but definitely that was a major cause of stress for us in our relationship.

Julia: Dan and his wife got divorced, for reasons that frankly aren't our business. And just FYI, we didn't interview Dan's ex-wife, because we’re focusing on Dan and Lauren’s experience of creating a blended family. So you won’t hear from her in this episode, but we want to acknowledge that her role in this family is important.

When Dan got divorced, it forced him to really think about relationships and whether he'd want to be married again.

Dan: Going through my divorce, I feel like is when I really started to do the soul searching and the personal work and the exploration and explore what is it to be happy and what is a relationship, what should it look like. And discovered Brene Brown who really kind of changed who I was as a person and went from being a very private person who always had a smile on and everything was fine to being a very, very vulnerable and open person and kind of wearing my emotions on my sleeve and walking into situations and And sharing marbles, as Brene Brown would say.

Julia: What does it mean to share marbles?

Dan: She has this term called marble jar friends. And basically, when you share stories with somebody, You are sharing your marbles, and in return, people will share their stories with you and share their marbles. And over time, you have these jars with your friends names on them, and they have all their marbles in them. And it's the people, really, who had collected the most jars with the most marbles and built the most relationship, meaningful relationships, real relationships. Um, those are the folks who were really the happiest and, and the healthiest later in life. 

In reading Brene Brown and understanding that it really revolves around shame. And, and having internal shame and not wanting to share that stuff because you're ashamed of it. I remember going on a trip with, uh, a ski trip with a half a dozen of my closest friends. And we were in Canada for two weeks together. And we get home and, uh, Two weeks later, I moved out from my ex wife and I, I was at a bar with a bunch of friends, you know, later, just a day or two later, and I told them that we were splitting up and I had moved out, and they were shocked that we had just spent two weeks together in the mountains, and I did not say one peep about, um, kind of the situation of my relationship, and, and these are friends who, you know, I'd known for, since I'd moved to Tahoe for, for, A dozen plus years.

And that's when it kind of struck me that living a life without sharing, and without being vulnerable, and with hiding your shame, was a little bit meaningless and a little bit soulless. And I, I kind of almost overnight, um, changed as a person and, and started going to situations and saying, Hey, my name is Dan, I'm divorced. My brother was in jail, I have this, I have that, whatever it is. And just kind of walking into a room with your hand out full of marbles. And some people would embrace that and they would turn around and grab their bag of marbles and want to share back with you. And those are the people who have since, in the past five years, um, become my, my absolutely closest friends. 

Julia: A few months after Dan and his ex-wife started the divorce process, he got the chance to share some of his marbles with Lauren. His brother invited Dan to come visit in San Francisco.

Dan: I did not know, but it was, um, it was a setup, and they had also invited Lauren, who they knew through, uh, the synagogue and the Jewish community. 

Lauren: I got a text from Dan's brother, whom I was well acquaintanced with. I but they, I think this was the very first text I ever received from him. And it said, Hey, my brother's coming to town. I'm getting a fun group of people together for dinner. Can you join? So I of course knew this was a set up. I got set up all the time. 

Dan: There was, uh, five of us. And we went and hung out at a friend's house and then we all went out to dinner and immediately Lauren and I started chatting about Brene Brown and Connection and, you know, a conversation that I probably would not have been capable of having even just a year or certainly two years before that.

Lauren: Right away I just thought he was adorable and looked so out of place in the city. He was like this mountain man in the city coming to hang out. So I really didn't know anything about him. And in front of him, Jen asked me, Lauren, could you date a man with kids? And I said, sure, I could date a man with kids as long as he wanted to have more. 10 minutes later, Dan starts talking about his kids. And at the end of the evening, Dan asked if he could get my number. I got a text. Either that night or in the morning that said, you're super cool. I'd love to see you again. 

Dan: I found out that she was going to Burning Man for her first time. And I was going also that year, it was not my first time. And we kind of stayed in touch and exchanged some texts over the next month or so. And then we kind of had our first date on the playa. 

Lauren: We had a lovely first date at burning man, where he came and picked me up and we explored art on the playa. And I really thought he was just for fun You know, he had just gotten separated. He had two kids. There was also several other guys I was connecting with at Burning Man. And while he was my favorite by far, you know, he had two kids. He lived hours away. I wasn't necessarily expecting what was going to happen next, which was when I left Burning Man after having hung out with him a couple times, I received a slew of very romantic, sweet text messages from him. And of course, which he asked when he could come see me again, which was Probably the next week or two. He came to San Francisco to see me and That's when I knew things were for real

Julia: This first visit wasn't a playful night out between two people who just met. Lauren says it was clear right away that they had serious feelings for each other. 

Lauren: I'll go ahead and tell you a fun detail that's slightly embarrassing. I told him he could come visit me as long as he didn't expect a sleepover. And um, we had a lovely time together, but when I asked him to leave that evening, he, um, you know, asked why. And I said, well, it's a late night. I have work the next day and like, I don't want to get too attached. And he, um, became tearful and said, but I want you to be attached. I'm already attached. 

Lauren: And so that was when I was like, okay, we're together. This is, this is it. This is for real. And it was, it was just, it just flowed after that. It just was so easy being with him and that's what was so different about my other relationships. I felt like I dated extraordinary men who were wonderful people who treated me very well. But it always felt like work. It felt hard. The relationships felt hard. And from day one, even though Dan had kids, even though he was in the middle of a divorce, even though he lived, you know, over three hours away in a cold place, and I do not like to be cold, A relationship was easy. Being with him was easy. Communicating with him was easy. And it was just like letting nature take its course. It was letting the river flow.  

Julia: Lauren and Dan have fallen in love, and are in a full on, Brene Brown approved relationship. Dan has custody of his kids half of the time, so they mostly see each other on the weeks when he’s not in dad mode. But it was important to Dan that the kids and Lauren met early on.

About six weeks after their first date at Burning Man, Dan and his kids were visiting his brother again near San Francisco. 

Lauren: When I met his kids, it was super casual. I was just meeting them as a friend. My roommate was having this huge pancake brunch in Golden Gate Park. And I even texted Dan, you know, if you want, bring the kids, it'd be great to meet them. And then he walks up with his two adorable children in a wagon and my heart just melted 

Dan: and I just introduced her to my kids as a friend, and immediately they, I don't know, they recognized her as a sparkly, sparkly jewel. And they kind of, my daughter especially, grabbed her and took her off into the woods and they started chasing fairies and, um, Actually a funny story was my, my six year old, uh, we live in the woods and she has, um, no qualms with going to the bathroom in the woods. And there we were in, uh, Golden Gate Park and she grabs Laura and they're off in the woods and she says she has to poop. And so there she is, and she just drops her pants right there behind a tree, and I think she said something like, make sure no boys are coming, and she pooped right there behind a tree. And Lauren was just completely caught off guard, had no idea what to do. Um, and it was just kind of a funny situation. And so then I saw what was going on, I went over there and helped rescue her. 

Julia: Nothing like a good poop moment to seal the deal, right? (laugh) At least it was a kid who was doing the pooping and not one of the adults! 

Dan’s kids were 4 and 6 at the time, which Lauren recognizes made it a little easier to connect. The six year old daughter opened up to her right away, but Lauren says it took a little bit longer with Dan’s younger son.  

Deciding when to introduce your kids to a new partner is different for everyone. Lauren and Dan both agree bringing the kids into their relationship early was what was best for them. 

Lauren: You know, there's a lot of advice out there for parents with kids not to introduce your kids to your partner until it's till later on, and I just completely disagree with that. Of course, I'm sure it's circumstantial, but for me, I met his kids very early on and I fell in love with him and his children at the same time. I fell in love with him as a dad, which is who he is. And I think that advice really robs people of that opportunity and doesn't set their relationship up for success. I think it was really easy to fall in love with someone who was a dad, who had that nurturing part of him, who loved his kids and prioritized his kids. You know, a lot of times you fall in love with somebody who you think is going to be a great dad, but I already had proof. And it was a really big part of who he was. 

Dan: I've had other friends who have, uh, similar situations, they were divorced, and they had kids, and they met somebody, and they kind of lived two separate lives, where they would have this new partner, and the new partner would not meet the kids. And they would have a lovely fling and relationship and whatever. But it was always kind of just a vacation and I think, um, with Lauren, you know, I, I didn't want it to be a vacation. I wanted her to know who I was and, and my kids were, um, obviously a very big part of who I was and it's, it was kind of a non negotiable as well. Like, I wasn't gonna get in a relationship with anybody who wasn't going to embrace me for who I was, embrace my kids, and want to play a significant role in raising them and being their stepmother.

Julia: But they didn't jump right into Lauren being a stepmother. Things progressed slowly over a year. Lauren and Dan spent a lot of time together when he didn't have the kids, and when he did, they had Lauren meet up with them at restaurants and public places.

Lauren: We were intentional in terms of having it be gradual with me being around the kids. And I remember I met up with them at a pizza place and Dan sister was there too. And Leora was telling me, go, go talk to daddy, go talk to daddy. And she was like writing little notes in a book that said like big L heart, little L. And when I left her, she said, are you sure you don't want to spend the night and stay tonight? You can stay forever. That was amazing. And then the first time I did stay the night when she was there, we took her to school on Monday and she gave me a little stuffed mouse and said, Don't forget about me. And so I just, you know, I fell in love with his kids as I was falling in love with him. 

And I had never felt that type of love from children before. And To start seeing Leora Jude on a regular basis and the means so excited to see me When I was with their dad just brought so much more joy and meaning to my life to get to be A part of children's lives. 

Dan made it easy. It wasn't like I had these responsibilities with his kids. He just always told me like, I just want you to be a good role model. cause I didn't really know how to be around kids. Like I didn't want to wipe their snotty noses and I didn't, you know, like I didn't want to, uh, discipline them or anything like that. So I was. I feel like in the beginning, my relationship with them was very much like a fun auntie. You know, I would read to them and I would play with them and I got to be a fun auntie with them. 

Julia: A year and a half into their relationship, Dan proposed to Lauren. She slowly started moving in with him, but held on to the San Francisco apartment. And when she finally let it go, it was harder than she expected. 

Lauren: When these things became official and I let go of my apartment and I was living in a home with children and I was planning to expand our family, I realized I had become attached to my identity as a citizen single woman, a successful single woman who had a career, who had a community, who went out a lot, who got takeout a lot, who went out dancing. And these, I remember specifically being like I'm not going to have any stories to tell anymore because all my funny stories had to do with random flings and funny dates. And I loved that part of my life, telling funny stories about my ridiculous dating love life. And I was just like, that's that part of me is over. 

And humor aside, I needed to really intentionally step into a new chapter of my life while honoring the previous chapter in a way that felt good. 

I have this amazing women's circle and I remember bringing it up with them and sharing how I was feeling. And they supported me in a way where I remember one woman sent me songs for this transition of my life to listen to, and they just gave me an avenue to speak about it. I journaled about it and really sharing with other women that journey was a way I honored it that felt right for me.

Julia: so I'm in your women's circle and, and this is, you know, the reason I know your story and wanted to invite you to tell it is because I've been a witness to it. Over the many years and I was so inspired when you came to us and you you knew exactly you knew what you needed and you asked for it and that alone is an alternative measuring stick you were like, Hey, I am moving into a new chapter of my life and I've realized that I need to let go of, um, my single independent life as I start a family and you know, join a family and start a family and I'm actually sad and I'm grieving. Um, I'm excited about where I'm going and also I want to make space for the grief and the sadness of saying goodbye to the life that I've loved, known because I've loved it. Even though I was yearning for something more, now I've found that and now I have to actually say goodbye to what I had that I also loved. And I really was just amazed at, I witnessed a woman yearning and stepping into her desire and it also grieving, it really showed me the range and the breadth of one person that it can all be true at one time. And I saw that as a model. 

Julia: This tension that lies in that space between losing something familiar in order to gain something new is at the heart of many refamulating experiences. For many of us creating quote unquote non-traditional families, we’ve had to let go of something. 

Maybe that's just letting go of expectations or ideas about what your family will look like. I can relate to that one. But sometimes..it means letting go of people. Dan's divorce created a big loss for his children- the loss of their parents living in one home- so Lauren and Dan worked really hard to include the kids in every stop of their relationship.

When we come back, we'll hear about the joys and challenges of creating a blended family. 

Julia: Once Lauren moved in full time with Dan, the couple started preparing the kids for the changes that were coming. 

Lauren: I had reached out to a friend of mine via Facebook that I noticed was a stepdad just to get some advice on how it went for him. And he told me one of the most important things was having, that he, one of the things he wished he had done is had a nickname for the kids. And so llama was planted. It's like Lauren plus mama equals llama. And I wrote them books via some site where you pick the characters and you can write a book. And in the book is the story of how I met each kid. And so I gave it to Leora maybe on her eighth birthday, but it's the story of Llama and Leora and it ends with I can't wait to make it official. And so she has that and I made one for Judah as well.

And then there was this whole thing where it was, Oh, when we get married, it's going to be official. And so I think having that momentum of we're engaged, there's going to be a wedding. This is going to be official, really solidified us as a family before we were actually married because we didn't get married for until years later because we waited until after the pandemic. 

Julia: The kids were excited about Lauren and Dan getting married. But Dan grew up in a blended family, and he knew that he, his ex-wife, and Lauren would have to work really hard to make sure that any conflict amongst the adults didn't impact the kids. 

Julia: What did you learn from your own blended family growing up that influenced your decisions as you've started to blend and build family with Lauren?

Dan: Uh, I think the importance of the relationship with their stepmom and how to cultivate that so that they have a close relationship, and Lauren is just amazing at doing that already as, as, as the person that she is. And I think the importance of, um, encouraging and promoting a healthy relationship, uh, with the kids, with their mother, and as much as possible making sure that it doesn't feel like they have, Uh, two separate lives, even though they do have two separate lives, it's, it's hard to avoid that.

I don't have an overly great relationship with my ex wife. Um, but I think the kids have done a really good job of adapting to going back and forth between two households. Uh, it's very, it's very different than what I had when I was growing up, certainly. And also the same dynamic when I was little between my dad and my mom and always trying to please both of them, which is, it's a lose lose situation. And so now, as much as possible, I really try to not put my kids in that same dynamic where it's trying to either make me happy, or their mom happy, or their stepmom happy, or somebody else, and try and not put them in the middle, um, and really try and encourage them to focus on their own happiness.

Julia: One way they keep the kids out of the middle is that Dan serves as the main liaison between all of the adults, so everyone has the same information.

Dan: I find sometimes making decisions, uh, in conjunction with either Lauren or, uh, my kid's mom independently, and just telling the kids this is what the decision is. So they're not actually put in a position where they need to make a challenging decision that they might not really be equipped to make as, again, they try and please both their parents, which I feel like every kid is going to always try and do. Um, as they seek love and, um, acceptance. Um, I feel like I was raised with a very conditional love. And especially, um, from my dad. And so that is something I'm very conscious of with my own kids. To try and make sure that they understand that the love is unconditional. And that they are enough and that I love them. And they don't need to do or succeed on whatever level for me to be proud of them. And, and love them unconditionally. 

Lauren: Dan is more the primary contact with their mom, they're the ones that are figuring out the schedule and she and I have met and had tea and coffee here and there to talk about the kids, but I think it's really important for Dan that he doesn't feel bypassed. Like in our home, he is the primary parent. It's important to me that the kids see um, me and their mom as allies, as friendly, as pleasant. It's easy enough to do that. You know, they do sense the tension and the conflict between their mom and dad. And I really try to stay out of it.

Julia: It's been four years since Lauren moved in with Dan and the kids. While she absolutely loves her role as Judah and Leora's llama, she's struggled with some of the assumptions that come with being a stepmom.

Julia: tell me your thoughts about the word stepmother.

Lauren: I think it's awful. I think it is so triggering. I think it's so hard not to have knee jerk negative reaction to it because of Disney and all the other things. It's really hard. And yet it is what I am and I'm called it all the time and there's no real reason why it needs to be negative. But I, I struggle with owning the term, although in certain circumstances it definitely feels like the most appropriate term to use. And the kids don't seem to have a negative connotation with it, although my stepdaughter was literally Snow White in a school play and literally said my evil stepmother's trying to kill me. 

Julia: why do you think that is?

Lauren: I mean, Cinderella, Snow White, I'm sure. There are some examples and I'm sure there's some sociological reason of society having a hard time with other women taking care of the children who still have their biological mothers and sharing that time. Hopefully it's changing. Yeah. There's the new term bonus mom that doesn't feel quite right either. Other mom, second mom, it's like you want a term that still acknowledges and respects the biological mother. 

A lot of step moms feel they can do no right because there's this dichotomy of oh, well, if you call them your step kids and you don't refer to them as your own children then you're not being loving enough. And then there's this idea that if you call them your children and you want them to call you mom or something like that, then you're being disrespectful to their biological mother and stepping on her toes. 

I remember sharing how excited I was by this really cute love letter that Judah wrote me and my friend just having this knee jerk reaction of, Oh, if I was his mom, I would hate that. And I'm like, okay, that's one way to look at it. Or if you are his mom, you can think that's great, he has another adult in his life who cares for him. Or you could also just look at it from my lens. And so there have been a few moments like that, that have been hard. And I think that often unconsciously people have this loyalty to a biological mother that would assume negativity around a stepmother that doesn't really bear much reality, so to speak, not for the kids. The kids don't feel like one love excludes another. And I think sometimes adults have a harder time with that than children.

So I just feel like you're constantly figuring out what your lane is. You don't want to overstep and disrespect their, their mother. Um, and you want to make sure they feel loved and nurtured and supported enough by you. And so I think sema  ntics can make that more challenging, but that, that's kind of playing in my mind a lot with the kids. 

Julia: This is why many of us come up with new names when we refamulate. We have such limited vocabulary for people who are close to us. Of course we’ve got titles for the usual suspects- mom, dad, aunt, uncle, cousin. For non-relatives we have friend...or best friend. We don't really have options for people you aren't blood related to. 

In my situation with the egg daddies, there was no title for "a woman we know who is donating her eggs and will spend time with our children but not act like a parent"....which is how we settled on Fairy Godmother. 

Titles and language can set the tone for an entire relationship. And Lauren has found that to be true for herself and the kids. 

Lauren: I love Llama because it feels good. Their teachers call me Llama. If their friends call me Llama, I like it. Llama is such a positive, fun, Word for us. It feels right. It feels full of love. You know, I call them my little apocas. They still use the term stepmom in, in context in certain situations. And that's totally fine. 

A lot of times I'll say I'm their step mom, they call me llama. And it's like, as soon as I let them, whoever, no, they call me llama. Then there's this autumn automatic. Oh, the kids must like you. Because I think I really think that people have this unconscious bias that most kids don't like their step mom. Or that most stepmoms don't like their stepkids. And so that's why that word triggers me. Because of an unconscious bias that often goes with it. And not by people who have necessarily experienced stepparents. Those people are often the most supportive. But people that have grown up in traditional families and haven't been that exposed to it.

Julia: Three years ago, Lauren and Dan took another step in blending their family. They got pregnant with a child of their own, something Lauren had wanted her whole life. They didn't know how the kids would react, so to tell them....

Lauren: we, uh, and had them watch the, the movie or documentary called Babies. It follows four different babies, their first year of life in four different cultures around the world. And so we watched that together. And then afterwards we said, Do you know why we watch this? And they had often asked me if I was going to have a baby, right? Like that was something they were curious and interested in. And so it was this nice, beautiful, like celebration with the kiddos afterwards. And, you know, they went to school the next day and like told their teachers and were really excited to celebrate it. Dan very respectfully did tell their mother before he told the kids so that she would learn about it from him first.

And it was a really exciting time, and I had a very beautiful, easy birth at a birthing center. Sophie Jean was born around midnight. And we were able to get home around seven in the morning so the kiddos could meet their baby sister before they went to school. And we didn't know if she was going to be a boy or girl and Leora was absolutely ecstatic that it was a girl. And I just remember so well seeing the kids see Sophie for the first time and how much they loved her. And how sweet it felt as a family for her to bring us all together even, uh, more unified.

Julia: And a new child changed the dynamic for everyone. 

Lauren: It gives a different rhythm, right? So one week when we have the big kids, we're a big family and it's louder and we have the big kids activities to attend to and Sophie just wants to be all up in their business all the time and play with them. And one thing that's really hard is when they're gone, she says their names a lot. She really misses them when they're not here. And when they are here, I feel like Dan and I Are really available to them and present to them. We try not to go off as much. And then when we don't have the big kids with us, it's easier for us to have our couple time and date time. 

Julia: What about step parenting prepared you for being a parent and what is totally different?

Lauren: think when you start spending more time with children, you realize how important patience is and staying calm and not getting triggered. Leora and Judah. I'm, I'm their third parent so to speak. They have two primary parents and I'm their third parent. And their safety in that. So the difference of the Sophie, I would just say, uh, I worry there's, uh, An anxiety or worry that I had never experienced before in my life. And when I became a mother of Sophie, that's kind of what felt different. You know, she was a baby, she was very vulnerable. It was me, like I was the first stop. And that is what felt different about parenting Leora and Judah. I have a specific role, like my role with them is very nurturing. It's, you know, they come to me when they need me. They also have two other great options to go to. And at this stage with Sophie being and so young, I'm often the first stop and that feels, that feels different.

Julia: Becoming a biological parent has also shown Lauren that while her duties as a step-mom are different, her dedication to all the kids is the same. 

Lauren: Just like any parent takes their parenting role seriously, I take my llama role just as seriously. It's such an important part of who I am, and these kids are gonna be a part of my life, my entire life. You know, I met Juta when he was four. It will be hard for him to remember a time when he didn't know me. And so when people ask me, are they your kids? Hell yeah, they're my kids. I'm raising them. 

And that is not any exclusion to their mother who birthed them, who raises them, who they have a secure, loving relationship with. And I think that's also what makes a blended family in my situation easier is there's no competition. There's no mom versus step mom. They have a wonderful relationship with their mom. They have a wonderful relationship with me and their dad. And I feel like people always want to kind of like pit the women against each other. And I think that in more cases than not, it is actually not that contentious. 

Julia: As we’ve established, a big part of refamulating is letting go of expectations. Most of us have ideas about what we want our family to look like. But the universe doesn’t always give us what we want. Sometimes it gives us something even more wonderful than what we expected. 

Dan: It's not really the life I envisioned when I was 20 years old, but it's a wonderful life and the kids are happy, healthy kids that love me, um, and love their, their step mom, their llama, uh, and have a lot of loving people around them. And so to me, that's a, that's a huge success and something I'm super proud of. 

I'm super proud of, of Lauren for being such a rock in their lives. And, um, really, there are situations that have come up where, uh, the kids actually go to Lauren to confide before they come to me or their mom. And so, uh, the role she plays for them is, is just got, um, is just so beneficial for them. And I'm proud of me, for kind of evolving and growing to a point where she would find me attractive and actually be willing to be my partner. Because, like I tell her, five years ago, or seven years ago, I was a very different person, and if we had met in our twenties, it would not have been a match.

Julia: I asked both Lauren and Dan, five years into blending their family, what advice they would give to someone else creating a blended family.

Dan: your kids are smart, and don't, don't try and hide to them. You don't, you don't have to show them every single card in the deck. But, uh, no matter what age they are, They're smart and they want to know what's going on and you just got to sit down and be real with them. They don't deserve to be your emotional punching bag, um, but they are along that journey with you and they do deserve to, to know what's going on and to know the people in your life and to know how you're feeling and to ask them how they're feeling and get their input. It doesn't mean you're going to do whatever your six year old kid says, but it's important to listen to them. And, and understand how they're feeling. 

Lauren: I remember Googling, you know, dating a man with kids when I got together with Dan and it was so negative. It was women saying run the other direction. And I think there is a lot of negativity out there about joining families. And I just needed to forge my own path with it. Because becoming their llama has been one of the greatest joys and delights of my life.

Lauren: I have many single girlfriends who I think would still be hesitant to enter into a blended family and it has worked out so beautifully for me that I can't help to be an evangelist on the topic because if you are in your mid to late thirties, early forties, and you're wanting a family. A lot of your options out there, the dating pool may be divorced men. And so I'm saying do not overlook them. A lot of divorced fathers have grown their nurturing muscles. They have been through a hard time. They know what they want. They're not afraid of commitment. And I've had friends say they're hesitant because they're not sure they need to come first and they're worried the kids will come first or they feel, how will they ever feel prioritized and loved enough?

You don't just get love from your partner, you're going to get love from the children too. If you enter into the family in a healthy, welcoming way and that love expands. And so I think it's so beautiful that when I entered in this relationship, my heart grew, not just for one person, but for three. And that's awesome. And I think. If more people can experience that, then it, there wouldn't be so much stigma for successful single woman to partner with a divorced dad because They're awesome. And of course, there are going to be some situations that are trickier dealing with Exes dealing with kids that might not be excited that their parent is dating So I understand that that exists I don't think there's enough emphasis on that possibility of that exponential love.