14: The Single Greatest Choice: Embracing solo motherhood

Katie Bryan grew up in a nuclear family in Texas, and always dreamed her future family would include a doting husband, a beautiful house in the suburbs, and of course, children. She spent almost 20 years searching for the right partner so she could make this dream come true, but at 39 she was still single and child-free. That’s when she realized she didn’t have to wait for a partner, she could have a baby on her own. In this episode Katie shares her emotional journey of releasing the idea of what a family should look like, and building the family of her dreams. 

Learn more about solo motherhood by choice at Katie's website.

Listen to Katie’s podcast, The Single Greatest Choice.

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Episode transcript is below. Transcripts may not appear in their final form.
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Julia Winston: Refamulating is not just a podcast, it's also a word, and I define it as a process of inner and outer transformation: the way your family is changing and the way it's changing you. Because when your family situation is changing on the outside, it’s likely that powerful shifts are happening on the inside, too. Usually those shifts have to do with mindsets and expectations around family.

Katie Bryan: I'm Katie Bryan. I live in Austin, Texas, and I, oh my gosh, I forgot how old I was for a second. I'm 43. I just turned 43 last month.

Julia Winston: Katie is someone who's experienced a huge transformation around her mindsets and expectations around family. For most of her life, she imagined her future family as…

Katie Bryan: married, white picket fence, you know, two or three kids, golden retriever, like the traditional picture of family. That's what I grew up with. It never even occurred to me that I wouldn't have that, that it would look any different than that because that was just kind what it was supposed to look like.

Julia Winston: But life doesn't always unfold the way we want to just because we made a plan. Katie is not married. She doesn't have a home with a white picket fence, but she does have a kid, just one. The biggest departure from her dream though is that Katie is a solo mom by choice, meaning she decided to become a parent as a single person. She used a sperm donor to get pregnant and made the choice to start a family on her own.

Katie did not ask for this situation. In fact, for a long time, she looked down on the idea of becoming a solo mom by choice and thought it was sad or indicated that she'd failed somehow. 

Katie Bryan: I had a lot of shame around what other people would think. But I still didn't want other people to know about it because I was so worried that people would pity me.

Julia Winston: When push came to shove, Katie's desire to be a mom overrode her desire to have a traditional family. She's now the mom to a three and a half year old little boy and calls this the family of her dreams, even though it's not the picture of what she imagined for most of her life.

Today, I want to tell you Katie's story of accepting her deepest desires around family, shedding expectations around how to get there and how she functions as a solo mom by choice.

Julia Winston: When we launched the first season of Refamulating, a few people suggested I reach out to Katie. We both live in Austin. We're around the same age, and she is also talking publicly about her non traditional family. Katie hosts a podcast called The Single Greatest Choice, and it's geared towards people who are interested in solo parenting, specifically women, and also coaches women who want to be solo moms by choice. Katie and I have another fun thing in common.

Julia Winston: You have like a Texas gay blended family just like me

Katie Bryan: yes. 

I didn't grow up with a gay dad. I grew up with a closeted dad who had his own demons because he was, you know, not living his truth. And there was a lot of, negative impact of that. When one person has a secret that big, there's no way to not have that kind of infiltrate the atmosphere. And I think though we might not have known what it was, I think everybody kind of had a sense that like something was not authentic or not right. We were a pretty traditional nuclear family. I would say there was a lot of laughter and like it felt good some of the time. And then there was a lot of like weird silence and distance.

Julia Winston: Katie's dad didn't come out until she was in her late twenties. So this traditional - and emotionally distant - nuclear family was the only model she knew, for a long time. So that’s what she internalized as “normal” and “right.”

Another thing that was modeled for her was religion. Her mom was Christian and went to church most weeks. So when Katie was in high school and college, she became more religious too. Church became her community, and everyone there had families that looked pretty similar to the one she grew up with.

Julia Winston: What were your dreams during that time? In early adulthood, You know, what did you see for yourself? What did you want?

Katie Bryan: Like if I could have a Christmas card that looked the way it was supposed to look and, you know, by 30 for sure. then, then I, I think that that was my goal. I didn't really have career ambitions. Um, I went into education because it seemed like a good career for a mom. 

So I Think in college, I sort of made an unspoken agreement with myself that I was going to apply all of my perfectionism to this family unit versus career. And I feel like there's like a whole or friendships or travel or like any of the other things. Right. And so I think my personality was just like wired to like, Go hard on something.

Julia Winston: The most important part of the equation was finding a husband, because the cute house and 2 or 3 kids couldn't happen until she got that piece first. When Katie was a sophomore in college, she met the guy. 

Katie Bryan: here's this guy and he's so cute. And we're like, we're kind of like flirting and stuff. And then he asked me out and we were supposed to go out, um, September 11th, 2001. And we kind of watched the world fall apart together that day. I really feel like that fear was the like connecting point for our whole relationship. He ended up enlisting in the military in response to September 11th. And so much of our five years prior to marriage was long distance. And we were allowed to really like romance this fantasy of what it would be like to be together without actually having to, like, be in the thick of actually being together.

Julia Winston: Katie got married when she was 23, after almost five years of long distance. Once they were married, they were still kind of transient because of the military. They lived briefly on the East Coast, far from friends and family. 

Katie Bryan: And I think any kind of Difficulty that we had or loneliness that we had or, or struggles that we had, we were just like, well, when we get back to Texas, it'll be better. 

Julia Winston: They moved back to Texas a couple years later, when Katie was 25. And finally, things started clicking into place. She was married. She was building a career in education, which she thought was perfectly suited for her life as a mom. And they’d found the perfect house. For the next five years they built the future she’d been dreaming of. 

Katie Bryan: We lived in Cedar park. We had a new construction home with a white picket fence. We had a golden retreat. I mean, we literally were building the life that I thought that I wanted, but completely out of just like, maybe I'll feel safe and secure if it looks this way on the outside. Um, and then he started to kind of push against that and just feel not ready for that. And he was turning 30 and just kind of like going through all kinds of emotional processing and like that life so far hadn't been what he had hoped. And he decided at that point that he didn't want kids. 

Julia Winston: This was a shock to Katie. They had talked about having kids. She had made sacrifices like moving from one place to another so she could build a life with this man. And now he’d decided that traditional family life was not the life he wanted.

Katie Bryan: And even though we'd been together 10 years and five years married, he just was like, I have to. I have to go out and figure out what else I want. He thought he wanted to be a rock star. He, I mean, he was just like, you know, kind of spun out. And, um, I think it's interesting to think back because I was devastated about the loss of the relationship. But I also just was so frustrated that he wasn't cooperating with my plan because it just, it felt like it really set me back. And it's so sweet to look back and know that like, I was only 29, like I was a baby, but I felt like now I'm behind, like I was. I was ahead and now I'm behind and that's kind of how I was thinking about life and family at that point. 

Julia Winston: Katie's divorce was the first in a series of events that started to shake her idea of what her ideal family should look like.

Katie Bryan: I was the very first divorce in my entire family lineage that I could trace, like no one had been divorced. And I joke that I kind of opened the floodgates because there have been many since. But, um, I got divorced at 29 years old in 2010. And that same year my dad came out, my parents divorced and my dad was already in a relationship with his current husband. Um, and so that kind of came to light at that point as well.

Julia Winston: The divorce also forced her to look more critically at her faith. Because being married was part of her image to be a “good Christian girl”, and now that was gone.

Katie Bryan: I think religion played a big piece in it because around the time that we divorced was around the time that I started feeling major doubts. Um, about like,  I don't think I actually believe any of this and the implications of not believing like my entire world will shatter. And so it was kind of making the decision with myself at that time to stay in a marriage that didn't feel right. And to  stay in a religion that didn't feel like just to pretend, which is very much what my childhood looked like. Right. Like just, just fought, just play, play the role.  And make it look okay on the outside and that's how you're going to be okay. 

Julia Winston: So what happened after you got divorced? How did it change your perspective?

Katie Bryan: Um, I was devastated. I mean, absolutely devastated. I really deeply loved this man and he really loved me and we were a terrible match for each other. Like we would not have voted the same in any election that has happened since we've been apart. We like our, our values somewhat overlapped, but our, the way we,  Like I would not go on a first date with him if I encountered him now. And I kind of knew that,  but I thought,  I don't know. I just, I thought we would somehow, it looked okay on the outside.

Julia Winston: After the divorce, Katie was really focused on what she’d lost: the chance at a family. 

Katie Bryan: And was feeling a lot of pressure about the clock, I was 30 and 30 was scary. And then I was 31. 

Julia Winston: Her way of dealing with that pressure was to really put herself out there so she could meet someone.  

Katie Bryan: But mostly I was just hustling. I'm an introvert and I have a very like extroverted job. And so what I wanted to do was like come home and recharge. But what I was doing was driving from where I lived in like pretty far North Austin down to downtown Austin to do like run clubs with rogue running and like charity events. And like I was at some sort of like social or charity event most nights of the week thinking, Maybe I'll meet someone or maybe I'll make a girlfriend who connects me. Like I was just, I was networking for my worth and networking for my relationship status. Like it felt like I had to, right? So I would work my job and then my second job was like, get back to where you were with like, The white picket fence and the partner and, you know, but do it better this time. 

Julia Winston: While Katie was busy hustling, she was surprised to meet someone much closer to home, at the elementary school where she taught. This was the last place she expected to find a single man. He was a divorced dad of one of the kiddos, and she saw him every morning during drop offs.

Katie Bryan: And then somehow we were chatting at some point and found out we were both training for the same marathon. So we started doing runs together. There were red flags all over the place, but I so wanted the outward appearance of the family and I felt very behind because at this point I was 34 I think and Lots of my friends had young kids and some of their kids were Kindergarten first grade and here this guy has a first grader. So I went from being single to dating this guy were like, I was showing up at the family barbecues and I was bringing like a first grader with a lightsaber. And I was like in the game. Like I got, I felt like I got to like skip, skip a step, um, and get right back to where I had hoped that I would have been at that point.

So we actually got engaged. We planned an entire wedding. And we got pretty close. And so I really ignored all kinds of red flags until I just couldn't. And then I was like, you know what? I, this is, I can't, I can't do this. So, um, I ended it with him.  

And I think at that point is when I really learned this cannot be about what it looks like on the outside. It has to be deeper than that. Um, so I think that was my big lesson of my like teens to mid thirties. I wish it hadn't taken that long to learn, but it did. But from then on, I just honestly like, didn't give a shit what it looks like on the outside.

Julia Winston: I want to go deeper into that for a second. What are some of the stories you were telling yourself in your twenties and thirties about marriage and children?

Katie Bryan: I really thought that being chosen meant a lot about me. And I think I had like decent self confidence. I think, I don't think that I truly was needing another person for me to feel worthy. I think I felt like I needed another person for the rest of the world to see my worth, um, that I had been chosen. And I really think it was about kind of matching what so many of my peers were doing, what my sister was doing. I think I just wanted to look the way that I thought that I was supposed to look at that stage in life.

Julia Winston: When Katie ended her engagement, she was 34 and once again lost the opportunity to have a family. And this is when Katie’s mindset started to shift. It didn’t happen overnight, but ending her engagement helped her start to realize that the standard she’d been holding herself to might actually be holding her back.

Katie Bryan: I would say that the end of that relationship also marked me truly saying out loud and letting go of my religious  ties. Um, and so that was a huge turning point to me, um, because those were the things like being like a quote unquote, good Christian girl and being like a mom and a wife  that those were what I was using as the marker for like,  And, and really like more so than success, safety, like emotional safety and just like, I'm going to be okay.  So when I was letting go of the religious piece, I was still very interested in locking down the relationship, but my relationship that I ended was pretty unhealthy emotionally. And there was some definite emotional manipulation and just some really unhealthy patterns, um, in that relationship.

Julia Winston: She was starting to accept that settling for the wrong person just because she wanted kids was not a good plan. So she tried something new, something she never dreamed of. She embraced her single life as a 34-year-old woman. 

Katie Bryan: I was so relieved I think to be out of that situation that there was this sense that like the world is my oyster. I also moved closer to downtown Austin. I started like hanging out with other single people in their thirties versus like all my friends who were like married with kids in their thirties and just realized like I'm not alone. And there was still always this desire and this hope that I would find my partner. That didn't go away. I mean, it never really went away. I just, I think it got less intense and I, I got a little bit more, um, open to a different timeline. And I remember saying out loud at some point, I thought that I was going to get divorced and like quickly remarry and that the singleness was going to be this like blip in my story that was like barely detectable. And at this point I remember, and I don't remember how many years in it was, but I remember thinking now singleness is a significant part of my story. And whether or not I couple and parent and all of those things with a partner, like I will always have to acknowledge like this chunk of time that as an adult, I was single. And I just never thought that that was going to be. Like, I was the girl that got married at 23, so I just thought, like, we'll just insert different husband and carry on, and that's not what happened.

Julia Winston: But the single, fun loving Katie was only a detour. She still knew she wanted to be a mom, and she was starting to feel more and more pressure as she got into her mid 30s. 

Katie Bryan: My fertility clock is is ticking and i'm still not coupled. I really started to believe to feel a lot of shame around it and to believe that maybe there is something wrong with me and the way that I'm going about d ating and relationships. And, and it was both like a lot of self compassion and, and like understanding, like I'm trying so fucking hard. And I, I see that in myself and I know that I'm someone worth Worth dating, worth loving, worth marrying. And also what, why is this so hard? Why can I not find this partner?

Julia Winston: When she was 37, the pressure she’d been feeling started bubbling to the surface. In the back of her head, she started thinking about solo motherhood. But she really hoped it wouldn't come to that. So once again, Katie threw herself into dating. 

Katie Bryan: I did decide in 2018, maybe I'm just not focused enough, which is a weird way to think of it. But I decided in 2018 to make it my goal that that would be the year that I would find my partner and to really be almost like systematic in my dating and I started going out on a minimum of two first dates a week and like cataloging each date and like really trying to be reflective about like not liking someone's teeth is not a reason to not go back out with them or like, not like, like not like being more aware of how I was being, how I was screening people, right.

I went on 50 first dates in six months and was starting to get really burnt out on that. And on the 51st, First date. I met an incredible guy who is just so dear to me. And I thought, okay, this is it. I was right. I just had to, I just had to be diligent and stick with it. And it was, it was, To this day, best first date I've ever been on. Um, I felt all the butterflies and, and so did he, and I think we were both just like, yeah, this is it.

Julia Winston: So Katie has this great first date, and the same week she meets that guy, she got the results of an at-home fertility test she’d randomly ordered online. 

Katie Bryan: And that fertility test indicated that I was like, right on the line, the line between average and diminished ovarian reserve. And so that really, like, sparked this realization that it maybe isn't just all going to be okay. And maybe I don't have all the time in the world. But at that point I realized like, I really do need to freeze my eggs. I really do need to see a doctor and start thinking about this, but it was all in the context of that relationship that was brand new at the time.

That really made it difficult to be present and be someone that someone wanted to be in a relationship with, um, in that brand new relationship. And so essentially the relationship imploded. I don't blame myself. I don't blame him. I just think like, gosh, that was so hard. And I have so much compassion for both of us and where we were in that. Um, but it just like the, my fear, the relationship just couldn't hold it. Like I would just, I had to get out and start trying to be a mom.

Julia Winston: After that relationship ended, Katie fully admitted to herself that she was gonna try to have a baby on her own. It wasn’t her first choice, but she realized she couldn’t wait around for the right relationship at the right time if she wanted to be a mom. 

The first step she took was freezing her eggs. She was 37. She also started meeting with doctors and thinking about a possible sperm donor. 

Katie Bryan: Even as I was gradually coming to the realization that like I do think I'm really well suited to parent solo and there are a lot of advantages to parenting solo. I started to decide that it was something that I really was excited to do, but I still didn't want other people to know about it because I felt so much shame and I was so worried that people would pity me.

Julia Winston: But she reluctantly kept moving through the process. The desire to have a baby was starting to slowly overtake her desire to have a traditional family. The next step was choosing a sperm donor. She first explored the idea of a known donor. She knew someone who seemed like he'd be a good fit. His sister had been a surrogate, so he'd seen this kind of situation up close and he was open to it. But…she ultimately decided against it.

Katie Bryan: I worried about boundaries. I worried about me resenting him. I worried about me being confused about his role, even if we agreed about what his role was going to be. He's already a dad and I worried about the dynamic of this man is a dad, but not my dad for my child. And I just thought it would be tough to navigate over time because we're in the same city because we're friends, because he's someone that naturally I would invite to my child's first birthday party because he's my friend. But like, now is he coming as the kid’s dad?  Like I just, it just felt like too much. 

Julia Winston: So she decided to go with a donor from a sperm bank. And once she had a donor, she started the IUI process. This is what Katie calls.

Katie Bryan: a medically supervised turkey baster situation. 

Julia Winston: The way it works is that a doctor inseminates her with the sperm in the clinic. It’s not as accurate as IVF, but much cheaper, so it’s where many fertility patients start. Katie had to do a few rounds of IUIs before anything happened.

Katie Bryan: I did get pregnant in June of 2019 and was devastated. Um, had so much regret, was so upset. just was not ready. 

I just sort of thought that a baby would trump any other emotion that I was feeling or any doubts that I had, because I knew the one thing I really, really knew was that I wanted to be a mom. And ultimately that did not end in a successful pregnancy at a very early miscarriage. So it felt so like, right, right. Like I needed that experience. I'm so thankful to my body and the universe and you know, all the things that conspired to like, help me see how unready I was, um, without the implication of like, it actually being a pregnancy that was viable.

Julia Winston: Katie wasn’t ready because she hadn’t truly embraced the idea of solo motherhood. It still felt like a backup plan. Getting pregnant filled her with sadness because she still wanted things to be different than they were. She got what she wanted, but not in the way she wanted. That’s a complicated feeling, but she confronted it head on. 

After the miscarriage, Katie knew she needed to fully embrace this choice if she was going to try and get pregnant again.  

So she took a few months off from IUIs to let her body heal and recalibrate. During this break, she also found a new doctor who made her feel much more comfortable and capable. She started to feel more confident in the choice to do it alone. 

The new doctor told Katie she should do another egg retrieval and start considering IVF, a more scientifically accurate way to try and get pregnant. It’s also a much more expensive endeavor. Katie was prepared to go into debt to do IVF, but in the end she got some help from her family. 

Katie Bryan: I did another egg retrieval. I got similar results. I had seven eggs. And so I, I, um, thawed the, the original seven eggs, which was a really hard decision for me because I wanted to preserve those for a future relationship. but my doctor was just really frank with me about, you know, seven may not give us. What we need, 14 may not even give us what we need, but I think cost wise it makes the most sense to like have those eggs thawed and fertilize all of them at the same time because you're it's going to be the one cost for all of the fertilization and the monitoring and the, Genetic testing versus like doing one batch and then need like will very likely need to come back and do the second batch So that's what I did.

I used my frozen eggs. I brought them over from the other clinic I did a second egg retrieval. I ended up with 12 eggs in total because two of the originals didn't thaw Um, uh, all of them fertilized. Eight of them continued to develop into embryos and at day five they biopsied those eight embryos. They sent them off for genetic testing, and I got five genetically normal embryos, which is statistically completely unheard of. 

And so, um, I'm very thankful for those results of those embryos because it gave me something I hadn't had in years, which was a fucking break. Like it gave me the ability to take a deep breath. Step back and not try to get pregnant.

Julia Winston: And that's what Katie did. She took a few months off from thinking about pregnancy and doing IVF. COVID started around this time, which further solidified her choice to chill out. Then, by July 2020, she was ready to schedule her embryo transfer. She was 39. 

Katie Bryan: And that was such a gift because I got to go into my embryo transfer so excited and so clear and so ready. And I love looking back at pictures of myself. I took like some selfies that day and I like got dressed up and I put on red lipstick and I was just like, I was there for it and it didn't have at all the same feeling as all of those IUIs where I was like, I guess this is just my lot in life that I like have to do this or else, you know, it was like a thing that I absolutely could choose not to do that month or that year, but I was wanting to do it. So I think that freedom was everything to just get to choose the timing. 

Julia Winston: And this transfer worked. Katie got pregnant in the summer of 2020 and felt like the timing couldn't have been better. 

Katie Bryan: And so my pregnancy was all like, I was working virtually. I didn't have to put on real pants the whole time. I watched the entire, um, series of Jane, the Virgin, they're like a hundred episodes. It's so good. Um, I ate grilled cheese. That's like a big part of the show. And I just like laid in bed, eating grilled cheese and watching Jane, the Virgin and like growing a human. And it was like, so fun to just get to like, rest. Like my whole pregnancy was just full of like rest and reading and nurturing myself. And like, meanwhile it was a very scary time because like, we weren't sure what was happening with, with COVID and you know, I was worried about my dad and his health and my grandma and you know, just, it was a scary time, but it was also just like a really sweet time.

Julia Winston: It was during lockdown that she also started her podcast, The Single Greatest Choice, to talk about her experience becoming a solo mom by choice.

Katie Bryan: And I was connecting with women online who are pursuing this path. And that was really opening my eyes. And I was really excited. Just shedding all of those layers of shame around the decision that I made and, it was like, okay, I can have thoughts about women who have to have a baby on their own because they couldn't find a partner and all that in air quotes, right? I can have thoughts about what that means about us. These women, but I'm sitting here pregnant as a woman who did that. And so those thoughts don't serve me at all. And so like, what else is true? And the more I talked with other women, it's like, Oh fuck. Like we're the women who didn't settle. We're the women who let our bar stay high, even if it meant letting go of everything we thought our life was going to look like, like we have so much like integrity with ourselves for like not settling. And I was so proud to be part of something that like, the more women I met, the more I could see that, like, it doesn't even make sense to hold on to any of that shame because they're also badass. And I can't be the one woman in this pool who isn't a badass when like, I, all of them are, you know what I mean? So I just, I feel like I found my people and I found so much solace in like other women's stories and so part of my pregnancy was like really owning that this didn't happen to me. I chose it and I'm so proud.

Julia Winston: Wow. I don't even It's just so like, what a,  that transformative, that transformative realization inside your own, it's like a blooming inside your own heart, mind, body, soul. That of pure acceptance and self love and stepping into and choosing. That is so empowering. That is so different.

And you had to go through everything you went through in order to get there. And I hear your gratitude for everything that you went through in order to get to that place. We just don't know how the pain and the trials and tribulations that we're experiencing are lending themselves to something that we do want. It's just like, the mystery is so profound.   

Julia Winston: Katie had a healthy pregnancy, full of grilled cheese and dreams about what life would be like when her baby arrived. Her birth went well, really fast in fact, and she gave birth to her son.

Katie Bryan: It was beautiful. Best day of my life. So much fun. I would absolutely do it again. I immediately thought I'm definitely gonna have another kid and I would totally be open to being a surrogate if I ever had that opportunity because I just loved pregnancy and birth so much.

Julia Winston: When we come back, Katie begins her life as a solo mom.

Julia Winston: When Katie was pregnant, she knew the first major choice she'd make as a parent would be finding childcare for her infant. She knew she'd have to go back to work three months after giving birth, so she quickly found a daycare that fit her budget. This was in 2021, when we were masking to avoid major COVID outbreaks at schools and daycares.

Katie Bryan: And my dad and his husband came with me to the orientation. We, you know, had this tiny baby. We're all wearing masks. We did the tour and I was feeling so self conscious with my dad and his husband, like walking through the school, because on the one hand it was like, it was one of the first big, big decisions I'd made as a mom independently. And also my resources financially are like somewhat limited. So I chose, The best school that I found that was in my budget, knowing that there were places that I would have been much more excited about that just were outside of my budget.

And so I felt a little bit self conscious like doing this tour of this center with them, even though it was a lovely place and I was happy to have my child there. But, uh, we did the whole tour. We got back out to the parking lot. And I was like, so what did you guys think? And my dad was like, it was great. And I w I was like relieved. And I think I started to cry and he's like, Oh, he's not going there on Monday, but it's a great place. And I was like, what? And I just started bawling. Cause I thought, I felt like it was like a judgment of this decision or that I wasn't being a good mom. I was still very hormonal and emotional and going back to work and all the things. 

And he's like, what's he going to do? Lay and like stare at the ceiling and these women and masks and faces he doesn't know. We'll take care of them. And I was like, what? Um, cause it wasn't anything we had discussed. I think that was maybe a Friday and he was supposed to start on Monday to like, all of a sudden they were full time. Like I went back to work and they stayed at my house and took care of him all day. Just two men who had never changed a diaper, had no idea what they were doing. We had a little whiteboard where I would write down all the instructions. I think they texted me like, you know, 20 times a day. And, um, but they stayed they did that. About until he got to where he was crawling. And then they were like, this is a lot. We're exhausted. And so I, I, at the time I knew I couldn't afford a nanny cause nannies are like double daycare. But then I was like, Oh wait, hold on. I can afford half a nanny cause I can afford daycare. Right. And so I was able to get a nanny to come for the first few hours in the morning and then they took the afternoon shift. And so we did that all the way until he was almost a year. 

Julia Winston: The support of Katie’s dad and his husband that first year helped her get on her feet as a solo parent without the cost of full-time daycare. But after a year, they were tapped out and it was time for more support. Since then, daycare has been the biggest financial burden for Katie as a single mom.

Katie Bryan: Daycare is expensive. My daycare cost more than my mortgage. So that's not fun. But, it's an ongoing cost, but it's also a temporary cost. Like I'm two years away from not needing to pay that. so it's, was just a reality that, like, I won't be saving during these years. That money will be going straight to daycare. There's a lot of reallocation , right? Like I'm not ever going out to, to, you Brunch or I'm not like a lot of the money that I was spending on, like fun, um, is now fun in a different way. Cause I'm buying tickets to like a dinosaur park or, you know, different types of fun.

Julia Winston: During her first year of parenthood, Katie was working for the school district. Her salary hadn’t changed much since she’d been a teacher, but she had a little more flexibility, so she started a coaching business to work with other women considering becoming solo moms by choice.

Katie Bryan: So my business was a complete accident that kind of just unfolded through hosting a podcast and having lots of people DM me asking, um, all kinds of questions. But I think the underlying question to every question they asked was Am I going to be okay? And is there something wrong with me for, for ending up here? Like those are the two big things women want to know. Can I do this? And what does it mean about me that I've found myself in a place where this feels like the best choice for me when it's not the life that I dreamed for myself. The women that I work with are typically the ones that came here, you know, kicking and screaming. And this was not even plan B. It' s like, I don't know, X, Y, or Z like somewhere down the list, you know, but it was just slightly more desirable than, than missing out on motherhood. Um, So I think like talking with so many women, um, has just like the need was so apparent that I just couldn't deny it.

Julia Winston: Through her coaching, Katie helps women adopt the right mindset to take on pregnancy and parenting by themselves.

Katie Bryan: Like if you think it's going to be miserable, it absolutely will be. Okay. Right. You can be a mom or you can never be a mom, but you can, if you're, if you're going to be a solo mom who constantly notices the deficit of the extra help, the extra parent, like you will be resentful, you will be miserable. And it's the same way you can remain childless and be so happy with your decision. You can acknowledge there maybe is like this alternative life you would have enjoyed or this longing that maybe, you know, is never going to be satiated in a way that like a motherhood might've, but that, but you can still be so, so happy because of what you choose to think about it. 

I would say our goal in our coaching sessions is for them to want, to want, to be a solo mom. Like they are so kind of defeated and sad and depressed by the idea that it's like, let's just, let's work on getting to a point where you want to want that. And then we can work on you actually wanting that. And then maybe you will want it. And then we'll talk about how it's going to be right. 

Julia Winston: Katie's son is now three and a half, so she's deep in the reality of what it's like to actually be a solo parent.

Katie Bryan: I think every season has had, it's, it's different hard parts. Um, at first it was sleep. Um, I always say it is so good that my son is so perfect in so many other ways because he is like the world's worst sleeper. And I'm not sure I could have done it if, if I hadn't just like been so in love with him during the waking hours because he just didn't sleep. I mean, he just like for two whole years, sleep was really, really, really rough. Um, to the point where there were times where I like, I don't, I don't feel safe getting behind the wheel. so that was like super, super hard and I had to really get good at asking for help and um, and I wasn't great at it. I mean, I would, I would wait until like the resentment and the just like complete, depletion bubbled up to a certain point and then I would just kind of like melt into that victim mode of like someone has to take this kid for one night so I can sleep.

So I'm not super proud of how I navigated that, but I did learn quite a bit about asking for help before you get to that point instead of like waiting around for people to step in and offer because the reality is a lot of people were willing to help me. So I think just being really clear about what our needs are and like asking for help and just knowing that it's like someone's prerogative to say yes or no. But like, if you don't ask, then they're, They don't even know the need.

Three is no joke. He has got some big feelings and it's, it's tough. He is still the sweetest, most snuggly, funniest, like most incredible little human. but three is just big feelings. And so I would say right now the hardest part of being a solo mom is, um, my own emotional regulation. Like when I am frazzled because We're running late or the dog peed on the rug Like I'm I'm up to here because of something else and then you're getting that Like just the incessant need Or they're just like doing the exact wrong thing at the time when you just like, can't take one more thing.

And also they're three. So you like can't lose your shit on them like that is really, really, really hard. And so, um, learning how to manage my own emotional regulation needs in my like nervous system and how to like, there are times pretty frequently where I step out onto my back porch and shut the door and just take two or three deep breaths. because it's just really hard when there's no way to like tap out even for five minutes and the things that you did pre baby aren't accessible. You can't go for a run. You can't call a friend. You can't like, none of those things work in the moment. You have to stay You still can have them, but you kind of have to like schedule them. so that I think is the hardest part is just the relentlessness of it's never your turn to be having a bad day because you've got to be there for somebody else

Julia Winston: It can be hard not having an extra set of hands But Katie has found unexpected benefits to solo parenting.

Katie Bryan: I love that I get to parent without Like watching and having an opinion about how I'm doing it. Um, it's just, there's such freedom in parenting solo. There are a lot of things that are hard about being a solo parent. It's not harder And in a lot of ways I think it's easier. And so I'm, yeah, I'm really thankful. I love parenting solo.

Julia Winston: One thing she loves is that there’s no one around to judge or question her parenting style. She can quickly make decisions about her son without consulting someone else.Which frees her up to focus on him during an age where he needs a lot of attention. 

Katie Bryan: I had this realization one time when I had a friend over and I noticed that in the time That she was over at my house, my son, who was so sweet and fun and funny just minutes before she walked in the door was like kind of being a nightmare when she was there. And I was like, what is going on? Like, is he hungry? Like what is happening? 

And I realized the dynamic when there are two adults is that the conversation is up high at adult level and we only really like look down and acknowledge needs like, Oh, can you open this package? Can you fix this toy? And I would imagine that in, in a, in a two parent household, a lot of the conversation is happening up above. And I just had this, this recognition of the fact that my household, the default is like this diagonal down from me to him and him to me and the communication that we're having. I just think there's so much benefit. And it's so interesting because I worried so much about, um, depriving him of a second parent. And that's one like huge daily way that I feel like he really benefits from. the attention that he's getting because my attention is not split. 

Julia Winston: And Katie's also learned that she might be the only parent to her son, but she doesn't have to carry the full burden of parenting alone. She's learned to ask for support when she needs it, and she gets it from more than just one person. In the last three years, she's met other solo moms in Austin and built a whole community of women who show up for each other and each other's kids.

Katie Bryan: I just think it's, it's so important to feel that connection and that community and that sense of family. I do think of my solo mom community as my family and something that I get asked frequently is, should I do this? Should I make this decision, a parent solo, if I don't have a strong family support system. I don't live near my parents or my parents are much older or my family's not supportive of this decision or we just aren't close. And what I usually tell these women is, you know, I'm very lucky that I do have that supportive family. And if something were to happen today, my first phone call likely would be my dad because he's supportive and he's local.

And he's someone that could help me in a pinch, but my next three phone calls. would all be people I did not know before I got pregnant. They would all be other solo moms that I've, that I only know because I went down this path. And so I just think the idea of like family and connection and community, it's like, it's, it's always evolving and you just never know. I think you have to have the faith that it's going to unfold and the identity of like, I am someone who connects. I am someone who creates and I don't know what that's going to look like. And I don't have to know what it's going to look like in order to take the next step. But I do have to like have the faith that it's going to be there.

Julia Winston: I often think of this metaphor of a school of fish swimming next to each other. And we don't know that we're in a school of fish. We feel alone. There's just a deep blue sea in front of you and like a deep blue sea behind you above you and below you. But if you could swim out ahead just a little bit and turn around,

Katie Bryan: Yes. Yes.

Julia Winston: endless school of fish right next to you. And I think that's, that's like what, I think that's what both of our You know, callings are really like this work that you're doing and the work that I'm doing. And this interview is part of that. This conversation is part of that. It's of, um, it's of us swimming ahead just a little bit and turning around and saying, look, look at all of these people, just like you, just like me who are navigating, but we are together if can see it, if we can open our eyes to it, if we can welcome it in. And you did that. 

Katie Bryan: I really feel like I'm parenting in a village. I feel like I'm parenting in the way that it was always meant to be. And kind of like going back to like a more tribal way of like just doing it in community. I get excited when my son outgrows things. I'm saving a lot because I do plan to have a second child, but I love passing on things that I've spent money on that are good stuff to other moms so that they don't have to. And honestly, I, I just, I'm so content. Like making my way through this world and like navigating all of the things with my my community of women that I really don't feel like there's a Not only do I not feel like there's a deficit of not having a partner for parenting. I feel like I'm at an advantage. 

I mean, I have solo moms whose kids I think of like nieces and nephews or like family, where I just know that like In their teen years when there's something uncomfortable that maybe they're not quite ready to talk to their mom about, or that's just a little awkward, like that they might come to me and that my son might do the same. And just that there's this whole kind of network. And because we're not putting it all on one person, like it's just spread a little bit more. Manageably. Right. Um, and so it's not that I don't want partnership, but I don't actually want parenting partnership. I'm actually kind of hopeful that I will find the love of my life once I'm past like the bulk of the parenting years, I would be open to finding that person, um, at any point. But I, I kind of would love if it was like when my son is like, 10 or older, you know what I mean? Where of like established like some of the, um, patterns and I've done kind of the laid the parenting.

Julia Winston: It's just so striking to me that so much of the fear that you experienced was, Oh God, I'm going to be alone and all stigma and shame around being alone. And what you're finding is you're more connected and there is more abundance than you could have imagined. 

Julia Winston: Katie would like to keep growing her family. She still has four healthy embryos and loves the idea of having a second baby. But she's held off because she knew she couldn't physically and financially handle a second child while her son is still so young.

Katie Bryan: Like I just couldn't imagine a scenario of affording two kids in daycare at the same time. I didn't really know what the financial, uh, realities would be of parenting solo until I was in it. And now that I can actually see the breakdown and the numbers, it just is not mathematically feasible. But I have made some big changes in my career that I hope will increase my earning potential. And so it's possible that I may find myself in a position where it feels more feasible to afford two kids. And. My son is eventually going to go to kindergarten, right? So he's not going to need daycare. One of those two things will happen and then I will be ready. I really, Long to be a mom of two. I would love to have two boys. I did not want them to be five years apart and I would rather have them five years apart than not at all.

Julia Winston: What about romantic love? What role has partnership, dating played since you embarked on solo motherhood. 

Katie Bryan: Not at all. is one of, to me, the biggest shockers because I was so, I dated Hard, you know, like I dated a lot and I was very, very focused on, um, relationship for decades. I mean, it was the thing, it was the problem and also the solution. And I mean, it was everything that I was focused on far more than career friendships, travel, finances, like any of it. And so there is so much freedom. In just shedding that, like, I think I would be totally fine if I never found, like, a life partner. Now, I certainly want to have intimacy. I want to flirt. I want to have, like, that side at some point. Uh, but it may never look like someone living in my house, like, like being my family.

Julia Winston: When Katie got married at 23, she thought she was giving herself security. But there’s no such thing as security when it comes to family. Families are messy because people are messy. We change, we evolve. 

In the 20 years since Katie got married, she’s experienced a total transformation.  She no longer thinks she needs a romantic partner for her family to be complete. She doesn’t care what others think about her choices. What’s important to her is that she has a loving family, which is really what she’s always wanted. 

She wasn’t always confident in the decision to be a solo mom, but she kept following her gut. And when she embraced the unknown, a new version of her life opened up. She became a mother. She started a business. She gets to travel and host retreats with other women. Her life has been filled with opportunities she never could have imagined. 

Katie Bryan: my whole life just feels like this, this openness and this abundance and this adventure. It's so different than like the, the clinging and the like fear of the life that I lived before, where it was like, I just need these certain things so that I feel okay. And then I know that I'm going to be okay. 

For years, it was about finding my partner and creating the family that I had always dreamed of. That I would end each journal entry with the statement, um, this or something, I can't even say it without crying, like this or something greater for the highest good. And I could not imagine that that would not be me with the husband and the kids and the white picket fence. Like if I could just have that, I mean, I would have given anything to have that, but I was willing to kind of leave that space. And I honestly don't think I believed that there was anything greater than just like feeling that sense of like home with my family, but that openness of like this or something greater, I cannot even tell you the lives that I've touched the daily DMs and emails and phone calls and. Like the women who are like, I would not be holding my child today if I didn't have the confidence that I gained through the work that you're doing. 

Like this could be the super sad story of how I ended up here, but like, why would I tell that story? Right. Because what's also true is how much I've learned and how much I've grown and how much freedom has come from, um, This life that I've chosen. And that's why my business and my podcast and everything is called the single greatest choice because we're, we're single mothers by choice. Right. And I used to hate that label.

I hated it so much. I could not own it because I wanted the world to know I am a single mother by necessity. I did not have a choice. There was no other option for me. Had I had like the other door, I would have gone through it. Right. did, I could have, I could have settled. I could have lowered the bar. I could have tricked some guy into knocking me up. Like there were a million other options. And I did choose this and I'm proud that I chose it. And so I think that the single greatest choice is this idea of becoming a single mother by choice, but it's also the choice that we're talking about the lens through which you view the moment and like the big picture story. It's like you get to choose.