03: Accidental Parents: Creating a family after tragedy

Four years ago, Lindsay and Jeff were just starting their family. The 32-year-old couple had recently bought a house. They were talking about getting married and they knew they wanted kids…one day. Then, Lindsay’s step-sister collapsed, and overnight everything changed. Lindsay’s sister had 10-year-old twins, and as their mom lay unconscious in a hospital, Lindsay wondered if she and her boyfriend could take care of and parent these kids.

Episode transcript is below. Transcripts may not appear in their final form.

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Julia: January 22, 2020 was like any other school night for eight year old Ariah and her twin brother Breydon. They were both hanging out in their apartment with their mom, Jennifer, like most nights. 

Ariah: We were just chilling and she was telling us it's time to go to bed. And then I was like, okay. She said, I love you. Good night. And I was like, I love you. Good night.

Julia: That evening, Ariah and Jennifer had been FaceTiming with Jennifer's stepmom, the kids' Grandma, to talk about the twins upcoming birthday-- deciding what pizza to order, whose house to celebrate at. Ariah went to bed thinking that at the end of the week, she'd turn 9 and have a big party.

Ariah: But then I kind of got a little thirsty, so I got some water, but I just saw her on the floor and she was like kind of shaking. I don't know what was going on. 

Breydon: Araya went downstairs, and then I was just laying in bed, and then Araya said, something's happening with mom, come down quick. I was like, okay. And I was like, What's wrong? What's, what's wrong? 

Julia: Their mom is conscious, but clearly not well. Ariah tries to call 911 on her mom's phone, but couldn't figure out how to open the Android. So she and her brother grab their iPad…

Breydon: So I called, um, our grandmother and then she called 9 1 1 and they came 

Ariah: I was like, I don't know what's really going on, but mom's on the floor and she's shaking and I showed her, and then I just hear a gasp, but I didn't know why she gasps. I just thought my mom was just playing around, but she wasn't really playing around. 

Julia: Just a mile or so away, the twins' aunt – Lindsay- had just gotten home from work. She and her boyfriend Jeff were preparing dinner and unwinding from the day. 

Lindsay: my mom called me and said, something's wrong with Jennifer, you have to go over. And so we're all racing to her house. We kind of all arrived at the same time. The paramedics were there. My mom and my stepdad were there I kind of briefly looked at my sister and I could see that she was kind of slumped down. But, you know, as the paramedics are pulling in, I just thought. Oh God, I don't want the kids to see this. Um, and, um, I just kind of like grabbed the kids and I was like, let's just go in your room for a minute and, you know, we'll let these people help us and, you know, they're gonna figure it out. 

Jeff: we were one of the first ones there and went in and, you know, I actually was had to be the one to check her pulse. Like it was, you know, it was intense.

Julia: That's Jeff, Lindsay's boyfriend at the time, and now husband. Jeff and Lindsay were the first people to get to the apartment that night. 

Lindsay: They weren't upset at that time. They were just kind of like confused and, you know, a lot of people just came rushing into their apartment 

Ariah: and then Aunt Lindsey just came, and then she told us to pack her things up, and we went to her house. 

Lindsay: They had just had a recent sleepover. So we thought, okay, guys, it's going to be like. You know, like a sleepover and, you know, the doctors are going to figure out what's going on with mom and, um, and they were pretty calm and we just packed up some stuff for school the next day and we just, um, yeah, we just got their stuff together and we just went over to our house and tucked them in and, you know, as soon as we got them into bed, Jeff and I were like, what, what's happening, you know?

Julia: What was happening was Jennifer had had a stroke. Which felt crazy to everybody because she was in her early 40s. For a few days, it was a medical puzzle. Why did this young mom have a stroke? Would she be okay? At first, everyone was hopeful her age would mean a full recovery. But after a few days, it was clear Jennifer suffered severe brain damage. It was unclear how this stroke would impact her quality of life, but they knew it would somehow. 

Lindsay: I had this fear that I didn't share with Jeff, and I thought, oh my god, like, she might die, you know, she might die, and What are we going to do? instead of communicating that to my partner and being like, I'm freaking out. Um, I just thought I'm going to solve this and I cannot ask him to take on these children and to have this different life than we thought. The plan was that we were gonna get married We were not gonna have children for a long time, you know I can't ask him to raise my sister's children, and I'm 100 percent gonna do it because I love them, and they need me, and I'm gonna do it, but I can't ask him to do it. 

Julia: Lindsay's worst fear came true- her sister died six days after the stroke. There was too much brain damage, she would never wake up.

In the span of a week, the kids went from excitement about their upcoming ninth birthday, to becoming orphans. 

I'm Julia Winston, and this is Refamulating, a show that explores different ways to make a family. 

Today we're going to tell you the story of a family that never intended to be. Ariah and Breydon loved their mom and felt safe and happy with her. Lindsay and Jeff were a 32 year old couple, new homeowners, and just starting to make plans for their future.

These four people were already family- an aunt and her niece and nephew, a boyfriend, who would later become a husband. But when Jennifer died, Lindsay started considering something much more serious than the role of a fun aunt.... she wanted to take the twins in and raise them. 

In an alternate universe where Jennifer had lived, we would see two families: one would be a single mom and two kids. Another family would be a young couple, the fun aunt and uncle. 

Nobody thought that this would change. But Refamulating is not just about CREATING family. It’s also about redefining family when the one you’ve got is falling apart.

Julia: Jennifer’s death was the catalyst that formed this family of four. We’re going to come back to that, and how her death brought them all together. But first let’s find out how each of those 4 people arrived at that moment. 

The story begins with Lindsay and Jennifer, who are technically step-sisters. 

They met when Lindsay was 12 and Jennifer was 24, because their parents got married. Their blended family lived outside of Philadelphia, where Lindsay, Jeff and the kids still live. Because Jennifer was 12 years older, Lindsay looked up to her a lot. 

Lindsay: I was becoming a teenager and she was, you know, really cool older sister and she and a friend of hers took me to my very first, um, um, Rap concert, which I thought was very cool. And we went to see Nelly and It was amazing. I remember being like There, and there was all this smoke in the building, and I was like, Oh my god, is there a fire? Like, what is that? And she was like, uh, yeah. Like, and now I'm back, like, thinking of it as an adult now. I'm thinking, like, she was so sweet. And like, I had no idea. And, um, it was so fun. So she was really fun.

Julia: Not only did Jennifer expose Lindsay to Nelly and - ya know - weed, Jennifer gave Lindsay the gift of becoming an aunt. Lindsay was 22 when Ariah and Breydon were born, and she loved them from the moment she met them. 

Breydon: She said that Ariah and I looked like alien potatoes. We did.

Julia: So when they were born, they were alien potatoes. But who are they now? 

Julia: So, Araya, Tell us a little bit about you.

Ariah: I like to paint and I like to hang out with my friends.

Julia: What's it like to be a twin?

Ariah: Honestly, he is my best friend. We will get each other mad sometimes, but he is my best friend at the end of the day.

Julia: How sweet right? But like most siblings, this answer changes depending on the day. 

Breydon: My name is Brayden. I'm 13 years old

Julia: what's it like to be a twin?

Breydon: ew, it's annoying.

Julia: What's annoying about it?

Breydon: Ariah bosses me around. Arai has been my buddy since birth. We would like, be together no matter, like, no matter what. Sometimes Arai and I have moments, sometimes we don't.

Julia: Here is how Lindsay describes the two of them:

Lindsay: Araya is two minutes older, and she's very proud of that. She is just incredibly creative and happy and sweet and just very authentic. You know, she's just a big personality, and I love that about her, um, and she is just wild and funny and creative, um, she's very artistic, she's very observant, um, you know, she might come at you with this badassery that she gets from her mom, but, um, she's very protective and she's very loving and You know, assesses the situation.

And Brayden is very sweet and loving in like a very genuine way. He's very quiet at first, but when he gets comfortable with you, he is, you know, silly and kind and loves to be around family. He says his favorite hobby is relaxing. And he is also a deep, deep feeler and lover.

Julia: Lindsay has so much love for her niece and nephew, and they love her too.  

Breydon: so every day I give her hugs.  Um,  because I love hugs from her. 

Julia: There’s another person in this story who also loves Lindsay, and that’s her husband Jeff, aka Uncle Jeff. 

Jeff: My name is, uh, Jeff Rosello, and I'm actually the uncle of Ariah and Braden and the husband of Lindsay.  

Lindsay: we've been friends since we were little and we grew up together, but mostly I would say we started hanging out when we were in high school, um, and we, you know, quote unquote dated when we were in high school and college, um, but because we had this very beautiful friend group, we kind of always thought we better not, you know, be too serious because we don't want to make it awkward in our friend group, 

Jeff: it was always there. I feel like maturity level wasn't there, but it was always there. And then Just being around her parties and things like that. She always wanted to do like, you know, it's just we always ended up being around each other.

Julia: Just so we're clear, Jeff is referencing his own maturity level - he wasn't quite ready for a serious relationship. So they do the whole "will they won't they" thing through most of their 20s. And then when she was 27, Lindsay's dad died of a heart attack. Nine months later, Jeff's dad died unexpectedly, too. Suddenly, these two friends were going through the same kind of grief and heartbreak at the same time. 

Jeff: It was one of the hardest things I dealt with. So I didn't want to do anything. I felt like me going out was almost like I wasn't caring for him.  But Lindsey was actually the one who got all my friends together and drug me out of the house and got me out of the house and got me to do things. 

Lindsay:  It was you know Helping to clean out the garage and the things that are the even more unpleasant things of people don't think about when you're someone dies it's like You got to sell the car and like, you know, just things like that. So we spent a lot of time together, you know, just helping each other's families at that point. 

Jeff: And I think we were at a birthday party at the bar and she took me home and I remember we pulled in my driveway and we, I was like, we're not getting any younger. You know what I mean? Like life's too short. Let's do this. So that's when we started dating.

Julia: Why was Jeff the person you wanted to commit to aside from him just being like one of those people who's just the best person?

Lindsay: He has such a beautiful heart and because we've been friends for so long, it was kind of like, we already knew all those things about each other that maybe you do or don't want to reveal to people that you're dating, and that part would, could kind of be over, and we're like, you could be more vulnerable with that person,  And I think at that point we kind of fell in love as like adults.

Julia: What do you love about Lindsay?

Jeff: Like, what's there not to love? My buddies used to always tease me, like, if you don't wife her, I'll probably will. She will never forget someone's birthday, never forget an anniversary, never forget a passing. But it's also like even with her work for a non profit like She comes home from a full time day at work, and then we'll get on a board meeting for a non profit, and then volunteer her time to go to a mission for a week and out of her own pocket. You know, it's just, I It's just who she is. There's not a bad bone in her body.

Julia: So Lindsay and Jeff finally get together. The plan was to eventually get married, and someday have kids, but they were in no rush. First they wanted to spend time enjoying each other’s company. 

They also wanted to focus on their role of fun Aunt and Uncle. 

Between the two of them, they have 20 nieces and nephews- so they were always going to birthday parties, school plays and family events. And when you’re the fun aunt and uncle, there are no rules. It’s all about slumber parties, buying toys, and most of all… s-u-g-a-r. 

Jeff: it's, giving them ice cream to come over here just to bake cookies to stay up late, to watch movies to have soda, to eat sugar,  and then send them home all jacked up and wired up and not have to worry about it. 

Julia: Meanwhile, just down the road, Jennifer was living life as a single mom, juggling a job and two kids. Implementing rules about sweets. And she was doing the best she could, which was more than enough for Ariah and Breydon. 

Breydon: Oh, her scrambled eggs are amazing. She just like, Makes eggs and put cheese on them. I don't know what kind of cheese. I just say that she's an amazing person. we would like do fun activities, um, once in a while. in the summer we would go to the beach with our family.

Ariah: My favorite memory of my mom was probably going down to Ocean City, Maryland with both of my brothers and my mom and spend the week with my family. We would all have fun and just play in the water. Even though my mom didn't like it, she'd do it. She'd do it for me. 

She loved Penn State every single time she was watching the game. You would just hear in the living room saying, yeah, or something or screaming if they made a goal. And she was just amazing. She let me do her hair, even though I was a little rough, like she was with the hair. I would still do her hair, um, she would always play and would play hide and seek and always go to the store every single weekend and get each other some snacks. She was the silly, goofy best friend I had at home. Brayden and my mom were my best friends. 

Julia: What do you call your family? Since you have different last names from the kids.

Lindsay: Our dog's name is Roxy and we say, this is Roxanne's family. 

Julia: They didn’t know it at the time, but Roxanne’s family actually started during those six excruciating days that Jennifer was in the hospital. Lindsay and Jeff brought the twins back to their house, expecting them to stay for a few days. But after almost a week of surgeries, tests and treatments, the doctors told the family that Jennifer wasn't going to make it. 

And Lindsay had to figure out how to tell Ariah and Breydon.

Lindsay: a good friend of ours, she lost her mom when she was a child, and she works for this amazing organization that helps kids who are grieving. And when it came down to it, we're like, do you have any advice on how we tell them?

Is there a script? You know, what do we say? She was on the phone with this lady who's like the head of this organization and being like you got to just tell them the truth. That's what the research shows, that's what you're supposed to do.

And so we explained to them, um, that mom was really sick and that she was going to die. And, telling them was just the most awful thing, obviously. We just told them that, you know, mom has been suffering for this whole week. And the doctors told us that, you know, her brain is not working and she's she's going to die.

My nephew was kind of just in shock. He didn't cry. He didn't say anything. He just sat with us and we held him and he didn't say anything. And I kind of said to him, you know, we're going to go to the hospital today and we're going to, you know, see mom, but she's not awake. You know, we're going to, we can give her a hug and, you know, we can, you know, come and see her, but this is going to be the last time that we're going to see mom and, and she's not going to be able to talk to us and she's not going to be awake. And he kind of understood that, but he never said anything. And my niece is the polar opposite. So she just began weeping and screaming. And she just started saying, I need my mom. I need my mom. I need my mom. And I was so grateful that Jeff and Kelly were here and we were just like holding them and, you know, validating them. And obviously this was a new thing for all of us. So we were just like, yeah, I'm, I'm so sad too. And we're going to miss her.

Julia: Here’s the thing. Ariah and Breydon didn’t have another parent they could live with - their dad had died three years earlier from a drug overdose. So now Lindsay had to talk to Jeff about the thing she'd been  thinking about all week: that she wanted to take them in. 

But Lindsay felt she couldn’t ask Jeff to take on this burden with her. This would be a huge undertaking. Both kids were dealing with intense trauma. And both kids needed a lot of academic support - Ariah had dyslexia and was reading at a kindergarten level in third grade. Breydon had just been diagnosed with learning differences and needed extra help. 

And Lindsay and Jeff had never been parents. They weren’t planning to have kids for many years. Taking in the twins would mean turning their lives upside down. It would mean more financial responsibilities and less time for themselves and their relationship. And they wouldn’t have 9 months to prepare, they’d have to learn how to parent on the fly.

All of this was swirling around Lindsay’s head when she sat Jeff down. 

Jeff: Lindsay came in the bedroom and I was, we were sitting there and she said, we need to talk. 

Lindsay: I made up this grand plan in my head again without saying anything to him. I thought, okay, well, we just bought the house, so maybe we can sell it, or maybe I can just, he can buy me out, then I can get an apartment down the street, and then the kids will live with me, and you know, it'll be terrible to break up, but I can't ask him to do this, and the wheels are just turning.

Lindsay: And I say, um, you know, I think we should break up. And I can't ask you to do this, and I have this whole plan, and he just, you know, like a movie, he just kind of grabbed me, and was like, what are you doing?

Jeff: And I told her, like, this, this is what you do. You know what I mean? This is what you do for family. Like, if something happened to my brother or sister, there would not be doubt in my mind that Lindsay would take those kids in and it's just, you know, it shows the type person she has. Like she didn't, she didn't blink twice. Like it was, it was like mama bear mode and took them right in. 

Lindsay: And he was just like, we're a team. We're doing this together. No questions asked. And that was it. 

so then we had to explain to them, you know, that this was their home, and that lots of things were gonna change, um, but that we would always be here for them, and that you know, we're so sad too. And, you know, there'd be a lot of things that would be different. 

The kids were able to stay at their school, but almost everything else in their life was changing. They were moving to a new home and there were new adults in charge, which meant new rules and routines. 

Ariah: was really kind of awkward and weird for me at first because like there are so many different things that we do at my mom's house and we did here. 

Jeff: You're gonna make your bed every day. You're gonna, you know, you're gonna shower at night. You know, you're gonna hang your towel up. It's a whole different thing. 

Breydon: it was hard to live with Uncle Jeff, but it was easy to live with Aunt Lindsey.

Julia: Yeah. What was hard?

Breydon: I barely knew him.

Julia: Remember, Jeff and Lindsay have 20 nieces and nephews between them, so Jeff saw the twins at birthday parties or family gatherings, but that didn't mean he knew their personalities and quirks super well. So while Lindsay had known them since birth, Jeff and the twins got to know each other well when they all moved in together.

Jeff: They were eight when we got them. So that was, I think, the hardest part is not having them from when they were babies to know what we expect and how we operate. So not only Did they have to learn us? We had to learn them. So like, they had to learn our behaviors, we had to learn their behaviors. 

It’s obviously going to change from being like, you know, let's go sneak away and have this cake to, you know, now it's,  you can't eat cake. You're about to go to bed. And now it's like, do your homework, get in the shower, cut your nails. We have to be, paternal figures and not just the fun aunt and uncle. 

It's hard because like the first time, like I had to punish them, like it, I was upset, like the first time I took Brayden's phone away and he's like upstairs crying. I'm like, did I do the right thing? It was a learning curve. Like, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. 

Lindsay: we were just very honest with them, unfortunately, our relationship was going to change, you know? It was going to be different and that we were still going to make time for fun and any time they wanted to do something like we did before, we would make time for it. but also that, you know, it was really important that, you know, me and Uncle Jeff, that we do a really good job of doing what mom would want. And, you know, mom would want us to brush our teeth and do good job in school and, you know, work hard and all that. Um, so we're still navigating that.

Julia: Another thing they’re navigating is parenting kids of color. See, Lindsay and Jeff are white. The kids are multiracial- their mom was black and white, their dad Peurto Rican- so Lindsay knew right away she and her husband would have to approach parenting differently than they would with biological kids of their own.

Lindsay: I think raising them has been, um, more of a protective, you know, mama bear mode now that they're getting older, because, you know, they don't look like us. We went on a family trip with Jeff's whole family. And we were, you know, 20 of us at Disney World, which is like, pray for us, that's a whole different story, but, they were the only kids of color. There were times when we would be, like, in the line, and people at Disney World. at Disney World would think that they weren't part of the line with us. Like, like, you know, as if you would cut the line off, because they must be a part of a different group. And the kids were pretty young when we did that. And they would be like, why did they not know that they, you know, we were with you. And things like that, that we had to explain to them. you know, that, that is really hard. And we, um, try to explain that to them in a loving way. That like, we'll never know how you feel. And, you know, we can't relate to the things that people say to you or, you know, the experiences that you have.

But the other side of it is that, you know, They just turned 13, and, It's not an easy world for people of color, and now we're in protection mode. Things that are crappy, like when you go to a store, you can't keep your hood on, You don't have to say that to a white kid, you know? And so, that has been hard to navigate as White people to be like, I'm just telling you, you can't do that. My little brother is biracial and he helps them with a lot of stuff or my stepdad who's black helps them with a lot of stuff. And I'm grateful for that, that they have that support in a way that we can't relate. but I would say that they're doing a really good job. You know, they, are proud to be who they are. But those are the times I really wish, you know, my sister was here because I'm like, darn, I could really use your, your parenting on this thing that we really can't relate to.

Julia: In the four years they've lived together, they've all gotten to know each other more and adjusted to the new routines. Of course, the kids will always miss their mom and their life together. But they have come to appreciate many parts of life with their aunt and uncle.

Ariah: My aunt and uncle, they're like coolest and they're the best. I love like how Aunt Lindsey just like takes me outside of my comfort zone and like helps me find something else I love to do and my uncle I like i'm inspired by my uncle i'm gonna be so honest Like he plays hockey and I was like one day I can play like hockey and I was like no no hockey I can't ice skate. So I want to try field hockey. And now it's my main sport and I love it and I can do it. 

Julia: One thing that was new with Lindsay and Jeff, is that the kids got to travel for the first time.

Ariah: Like we didn't really go anywhere travel The only place we went to was school, home, or the store and then like here we go places a lot of the time so it was kind of like different 

Julia: They've explored more on the East Coast....

Breydon: Uncle Jeff, Araya, and I, and Aunt Lindsey went to New York to see a a play of Harry Potter. the play was so good. It was like, better compared for what we're doing for school. I mean like, I wonder how they did that. Or just like, how do they do it so fast?

Julia: They also traveled to Florida, their first airplane ride, for a beach trip with Lindsay's extended family. They'd never met any of those people, but they were embraced as new cousins. 

Ariah: especially when we went to Florida and I met like everybody I was like so happy. I felt like that was just like more love I could take in and just feel like, feel like I could like absorb and like feel happy. 

Julia: Throughout all the ups and downs of this journey, there has been a constant current running between all four of them: grief.

There is grief over losing a mom and a sister. They've all grieved the loss of their previous life, or their old dreams on how life would unfold. And when we come back, we'll learn how the four of them addressed their grief together.

Julia: When the kids moved in, Lindsay and Jeff were no strangers to grief. They could relate to the kids’ pain because they had also lost parents. But they had lost parents when they were adults, with adult mindsets and coping skills.

They had no idea how to guide two third graders through such an intense emotional experience. 

But just like Lindsay showed up for Jeff when he was grieving, and he showed up for her, the couple stepped up for these kids. Grief brought Lindsay and Jeff together as a couple, and now it would unite all four of them as a family.

The first thing they did was find a local organization that offers support for grieving kids and their families. 

Lindsay: They, have a, six weeks, very intensive, family course about grieving, except it's the same topics, but there'll be like a children's group and an adult group, and then you kind of talk about the same thing in appropriate language, And we learned so much from that and I feel like that was really helpful to have early on. That helped us to figure out how to parent a little better and, you know, just learning about grief I feel like was really helpful because, um, Obviously, we were actively grieving and, you know, we had grieved our dads not long before that. But, you know, everybody's experience is different. 

Jeff: Some people cry, some people need to be left alone. Some people need to draw. Some people need to, to get a shower. Some people need to go on a run. There's no right way to grieve and everybody handles it differently. So however you handle it Just make sure you grieve. 

Julia: The course on grief also taught Jeff and Lindsay how NOT to handle grief. They both realized their instinct was to "fix" the pain the kids were feeling...which isn't actually helpful. 

Lindsay: You had a terrible day at school. Well, it's okay. And I love you so much. And it's okay. We're going to figure it out. I was so guilty of that. You know, Jeff was guilty of that, where we were like, especially kids who were grieving, were like, we just want them to be happy. You know, like, do you want to go get ice cream? Uh, do you want to go to the park? Like, you know, we were just fixing everything, what we thought was fixing. and so that was another freeing moment where like, yeah, we could just validate their feelings and we could just sit with like, Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it stinks a lot and we feel that too. I'll just say like, yeah, sometimes I just think about my dad and I just think about your mom and I just cry for no reason.

Jeff: That's one thing lindsay told me which is like a good point like a kid is crying like Stop crying. Why are you crying? You don't know why they're crying. Like they're crying because they feel something. Like they're, everybody should be able to cry. Like you shouldn't yell at a kid because they're crying. So that was huge for me. 

Julia: And they're also trying to model what grief looks like, and not hide their own pain.

Lindsay: You know, if they kind of catch me in the morning, like, on my yoga mat or, like, crying in a meditation, I'm, like, just honest with them, like, this is just me, you know, taking care of myself and this is what I felt like I needed today and I was thinking about mom and, you know, and, and I've seen that in, you know, in their little, You know, 12 and 13 year old ways of them being like, Oh, I just want some alone time or, you know, I just feel like I want to be outside today. And, you know, I'm being like, you don't have to have a reason, you don't have to explain it, but maybe we can teach them that, like, you do have to take care of yourself.

Julia: Jeff and Lindsay learned a lot from that course they took. But the kids found the most solace the year after their mom died, when they found a summer camp specifically for kids who are grieving. It’s called Experience Camps. 

Breydon: And then Ariah and I started going to a camp. Then it started getting easier to talk about our parents. A lot of people there has lost somebody very special and you can talk to anybody about it. And I made a lot of new friends there.

Julia: This became a place where Ariah and Breydon learned how to talk about losing both of their parents and their grief about that. But it was also a summer camp with bunks and bonfires and sports.

Breydon: And they have so much activities there. I love doing volleyball. And um, swimming. we have a like a grief circle so we go around saying who our special person was. It just like helped me a lot. 

Ariah: When I went to camp, I felt like I could talk about it more because I was around people that knew what I was feeling and could express it in different ways. And it helped me, like, calm down if I ever needed to. 

Julia: They've learned coping skills to help them when they feel overwhelmed with emotions. 

Breydon: sometimes I'll like count to 10. It would kind of make me feel better. And then sometimes I talk, I talk to people about it. I mean, like you don't have to, if you don't want to.

Julia: But most of all, at camp, this horrible thing they experienced doesn't make them different. It makes them belong.

Ariah: Cause, my friends at school, they don't really understand. But then at camp, everyone's just like, asking you, who you lost first and they like use the proper terms of who takes care of you and no one really makes fun of you at camp like they do at school. Cause kids at school really just don't understand, because if like, if they ask about it, I'll talk about it, it's just Some of the times, they're kinda rude about it, cause like, sometimes they'll make fun of me and then say I'm adopted, or other times they'll just laugh and then say that I'm weird, and they say I'm not normal, but honestly, there's no such thing as a normal family. Not everybody is perfect family because there's no such thing as perfect.

Julia: It broke my heart to hear Ariah talk about being judged for her family. 

It reminded me of when I was in middle school, trying to hide the fact that my dad was gay and had a live-in boyfriend. I only felt comfortable sharing about my home life with other kids who had alternative families. 

But Ariah and Breydon have more tools now than I had when I was their age, and they have access to supportive adults who are trained to help guide them through grief and pain. 

Julia: What are the counselors and adults that talk to you about at camp? What have they taught you?

Ariah: They basically taught us like There's no normal way to, like, grief, like, there's different ways you can express your grief, and then, like, it's okay to be, like, at a point where you moved on, and then you're, like, finally happy and, like, free. But some people feel guilty when they, like, feel free and happy again. But honestly, when you're free and happy again, I feel like you can express your feelings more. And I feel like you're like more open and some people like when they're like in the first stages of grief, I feel like they're just like locked away or they're somewhere in their own world where they think no one gets them, but there's gonna be someone that's gonna get you, but you just didn't find that person yet.

Julia: How, how have Lindsey and Jeff helped you in Brayden when you felt sad or overwhelmed?

Ariah: They would give, like, Breydon and I our space, and they would talk to us about it after, and I would always, like end up hugging and then like crying on your shoulders or something, but I feel like they understand the most because they also lost their dads. When I lost my dad, um, I don't think my, like my mom didn't know how to handle it because honestly, I didn't know that he kind of like passed away because I didn't know what like death was at the moment. I was like a little bit younger. my mom just explained it as going to sleep, but he just won't wake up. And I said, why won't he wake up? And I'm just like, now I'm living with someone that understands more.

Julia: God I wish these kids didn’t have to deal with such heavy losses. But what a gift, to have supportive adults who understand them. 

It brings me hope to know that there are programs and people out there who can help young kids process grief while it's happening. Even the simple fact of being able to name grief as a thing to deal with feels like a far cry from the way things were when I was growing up.

When my dad's life partner, Mitchell, died of cancer after I graduated from college, I had no tools to help me deal with the intense grief I was feeling. 

So I partied. I turned to drugs and alcohol to avoid my big feelings. 

It wasn't until I discovered yoga and meditation that I had the tools to help me slow down enough to face the pain and start healing. 

Like many of us, I learned the hard way that you can't ignore grief. The pain will always be there, no matter how hard you try to numb it. You have to deal with it, and there are healthy ways to do that. 

Roxanne’s family didn’t ask to form the way they did, but here they are. And I find their willingness to face grief and embrace the unknown so brave and beautiful. It reminds me of this quote by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who developed the theory of the five stages of grief:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Ariah and Breydon are only 13-years-old and they already have such depth and compassion, more than most adults I know. Who will they be when they grow up, and what will they bring to the world as a result? 

As for Lindsay and Jeff, it’s inspiring to see fully formed adults stretching, learning and making an effort to change their own behavior so their kids can live loving,  peaceful lives. 

This is an important form of refamulating that many of you parents may be familiar with - taking a look at how you were raised, and choosing to approach things in a different way. 

It's been four years since Jennifer died. The kids have gone from little third graders to bona fide teenagers. Lindsay and Jeff went from a young couple with no responsibilities, to being caregivers and role models. 

One thing that hasn't changed, is that they all think about Jennifer every day. 

Julia: what do you think Jennifer would think about how you've raised the kids these last few years?

Lindsay: Like I said, she was kind of a, had a badass exterior, you know, she was always sarcastic. but then she would like pull you aside for a quiet moment. And then when no one else was around, you know, give you her real feelings. and so I envisioned that she would, you know, yell at me for letting them eat candy or, you know, yell at me for, letting Ariah have a little boyfriend. but then I think she would pull me aside and say, You know, thank you so much. I think she would, um, see how hard we're trying.

Julia: what do you think your mom would say about how much you and Brayden have grown and changed in the last few years? Yeah.

Ariah: I feel like she would Um, tell me a few things of how much I grew because like last time when I was like talking to her, I could barely read and now she's just like, wow, now, now you can read, read, now you're reading books. Well, my dad was a mechanic, same as Uncle Jeff's dad, but whenever I feel like I'm working with tools, I feel like, I'm like thinking of my dad. I'm just like, wow. What if I was just like here and my dad was just like saying good job. Cause I think of my aunt and my uncle as my mom and dad, but like. I feel like, so bad, if I like ever call them mom and dad, I feel like I'm replacing my mom and dad. But, I would never like replace them. They're always in my heart. They're always here and everywhere. I, I am them. I really am them.

Julia: There’s enough space between the trauma of the past and now, that Roxanne’s family can step back and appreciate where they find themselves today. 

Lindsay: they've just blown me away, you know, recently. Braden, you know, kind of graduated from special education, um, and he doesn't have to be a part of, you know, the extra support class and he, you know, he's able to, um, advocate for himself when he needs help and, you know, that's been really great.

And Ariah too, she, she went from a little girl who literally couldn't read,  you know, at a kindergarten level to, you know, advocating for herself, reading really well, you know, speaking up, looking for her own accommodations that she's also not in the, in the supportive classroom anymore. 

So I think, not only like their academic skills, but just, you know, being in therapy and being in tutoring and, you know, all the things in life,  been a lot in a few years for them, um, but I feel like  they do a great job of balancing, like, being a kid, um, but also being, you know, mature and doing things that are really hard that, you know, they really should never have had to deal with.

Julia: Something that we believe very strongly at Refamulating is that everyone's definition of family is going to be different. 

So to end this episode, let’s hear how each person in this family has re-evaluated what family means to them. 

Lindsay: It kind of just reinforced of, you know, the feeling of blended family and, that, you know, I love them with the same love that I feel like a, you know, mother feels for their children. 

Julia: What's been the best part of raising the twins? What have you enjoyed? 

Jeff: To watch them grow, to see their accomplishments, to see them smile, you know, to see their reactions when you tell them you're doing something, or where we're going, or just everything. To see like you're helping them be their best person, you're helping them succeed to, to strive to be all they can be, you know, to, to support them in whatever they want to do

Julia: So do you think of yourself as a father?

Jeff: Yes. Yes. Of course. I mean, just because you didn't birth the kid doesn't mean you're not their father. no, we still have them calls and uncle, but, you know, we are, we're their guardians.

Julia: What does family mean to you, Brayden?

Breydon: family means a lot to me. I would never forget about them. I would never hate family. I would love them no matter what. Because Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. 

Ariah: Family means everything to me. It's my world. They're my love. I have their eyes and nose. I am my family. So, I am everything and they are everything to me too. And I know one day, if they ever need me, I'm gonna be there for them.

Everything is not bad. Things are so mysterious of why they happen and why they do or do not. But, you gotta kind of live with it. The world is kind of crazy. So You gotta kind of, like, not, like, get used to it, but, like, be a part of it, too.